Cracking Zeenath

May 16th, 2016: Color the Sky

"Next time I'll be braver,

I'll be my own savior,

When the thunder calls for me..."

~Adele, "Turning Tables"

***********************************************

      And so my story starts to come to an end. These past few months have been a time for healing and laughter, always the best medicine. I don't feel so tired inside and the world doesn't feel dark. I'm home again, and no matter where I go, I'll always be able to come back. I've started to find myself, and the journey isn't over yet. I'll continue to have my issues, and that won't change until I'm long gone and moving on. But for now, I'm fine. I'm feeling so much better, I want to jump up and scream.

Back in April, to welcome the warm weather, Madison had us go to the park and make origami swans. I gathered all the letters I'd written that day and carefully folded some up into paper airplanes. Others, I cut up into strips of paper, attaching them to a kite, like a wish. Because at one point or another they were all wishes. My wish to see Evelyn again. My wish to fix things. My wish to make a difference.

I threw the airplanes, watching the wind pick them up and carry them off to the various ends of the Earth. Then I watched the kite. My kite. The wind lifted it into the air, watching it rise higher and higher, bobbing up and down, the string slowly reeling out as it went up. I shaded my eyes against the sun, watching the individual strips fall off and fly away, flipping and curling in the wind.

Someday, someone else may find those letters and quotes and read them. They'll know there was a girl out there who was probably going through the same thing as they are. I just hope the letters fall into the right hands.

I laughed as Luke got hit with a paper swan. Damian told me it was the first time he'd really seen me laugh. I smiled at him. I'm flying. Except, not to get away. I'm only flying when I want to fly. I have control over my wings now, and can come down when I want.

It's been a long time since I've done that.

I've spent the last few months enjoying life and meeting with people. There's Noel, Nick and Ericka at home. I'm kind of only really close to Noel now, what with Nick and Ericka having their own lives to work towards, together. But we still talk from time to time.

I almost told Nick about how I used to like him...He'd found me at the library one day when I'd come home for the weekend. I sat and stared at him for a while, the words stuck at the tip of my tongue. He was talking about our time together when we were little.

I reminded him of how the first time I'd saw him, he was playing with a little yellow crayon and had taken my seat. He looked surprised, claiming he'd never noticed me and tried to apologize for separating me from Evelyn that day.

I laughed, the words that were stuck on my tongue dissolving like liquid, disappearing into the depths of my mind again. I stopped and smiled at him.

"I know you didn't, Nick. But it's okay." I swatted his arm. "I lived."

He stuck his tongue out at me and I called him a five year old.

This was a guy I used to like. I don't regret it because it gave me perspective. It taught me what rejection feels like. It also taught me to take a stand for things, and learn to move on when things don't go your way. There's always something better for you later on.

I smiled to myself, watching him leave for his job. He was late. That hadn't changed.

Sometimes I go over to Damian's house to meet with Madeline again and we both annoy him until he gets frustrated and goes back upstairs to his room. Then I have to go call him because he won't listen to Madeline. When that happens, he comes out and silently watches me, leaning against the doorsill as I try to convince him to come back. It never works, until I remind him he has to drive me home.