Cracking Zeenath

Dear Evelyn: In Aeternum

In aeternum: To eternity; forever. For all time to come.

Dear Evelyn,

I'm writing this letter to you. Not because you'll ever receive it, but because I need to send it, even if my thoughts never reach you and just float around in the universe somewhere above my head.

I've been thinking, Evelyn. Thinking about you. Thinking about me. Thinking about this life we had. The one you never got to finish. The one I'm still living, alone, without you.

What happens after, Evelyn? What happens now?

They say everything happens for a reason, and nothing ever goes away before teaching you what you need to learn. What's the reasoning, Evelyn? What did I learn? What should I be learning?

Do you remember that day...the day Nick finally asked out Ericka, and was talking to us about it during lunch? How my heart was ripping to a million pieces and I sat there, frozen, watching him, letting him do it.

How, that same day, I tried to hold back my tears all through my classes, until I couldn't. There's only so much a glass mask can take. It's only glass, after all.

How, during class change, I said goodbye to Nick and Ericka, my eyes briefly connecting with yours before I started walking away. And that was all it took. You knew what was going on before I'd even begun to do it. I walked faster, pushing myself to walk out the double doors of the school before the dam broke. And you followed, without me knowing.

How my hand collided with the cool metal frame at the same time as a single tear started making a line down my face. How I pushed open the door and started to run.

I never stopped. Even here at college, I haven't stopped running. It's been too long Evelyn, and I don't even remember what I'm running from, just that my feet are pounding the pavement, my heartbeat in my ears, my blood in my cheeks, as I tear through my life like a blade through butter.

How I started running that day, tearing through the courtyard, down the steps, backpack thumping against my back, books jostling inside, my heart in my throat. How I flew down the steps, down the sidewalk, my feet taking me where I needed to go. Down the side of the road, past the library, past the elementary school....into the forest. I kept running, my body on autopilot, world blurring past me.

I ran over to the little cliff and stood at the edge, hands pulling my hair back away from my face, dropping my bookbag in the dirt, chest heaving. I looked over the edge, wondering how easy it would be to just jump. One jump, that's all it would take. I stepped closer, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Zeenath, wait!"

I turned around to see you running after me, bursting through the bushes. I bit my lip, eyes watering. You stared at me, and the seconds that passed were long and soul-wrenching. Then you held out your arms, and I ran into them, crying like a baby.

The game was over.

The final card was played.

I had lost.

I'm remembering that day because someone here at college is trying to look after me, kind of like you did. Except not like you did. Differently.

He's warm, like fire.

I'm scared Evelyn.

I'm scared it's all fun and games again.

Maybe I take things too seriously.

Maybe I'm not ready to move on.

I'm scared that if I fall this time, and get let down, I'm just going to keep falling.