Silenced

Chapter 5- Can't Help But Wonder Why

Chapter 5

Can't Help But Wonder Why

Kaiser Donovan

*TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm*

I stood in August's doorway, confused to why I was there.

I pulled from my father's embrace and ran upstairs. I slammed my bedroom door, locking it.

I ran into the bathroom, closing the door. I ransacked the shelves, looking for it. I needed it.

I found it, finally. I rushed to open it.

I hurriedly took out the silver blade. Placing it on the edge of the sink, I started the bath.

I undressed, waiting for the tub to fill.

Once it had I grabbed the blade and got in the tub.

The water was ice cold, causing me to shiver. I embraced the cold.

I played with the knife, switching it between my fingers.

Sighing, I pressed the razor against my inner thigh. Gasping at the sudden pain, I closed my eyes. Tears pricked at them. I let them fall crying softly.

I watched the blood drop from my thigh to the water.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

I sighed heavily, before grabbing a towel. I pressed it against my thigh, hissing softly at the sting.

I, then drained the water and sat in the empty tub for minutes.

I sniffed softly at the memories of him.

He was a monster.

He destroyed my past, was destroying my present, and I refused to let him destroy my future.

I fit out of the tub and washed off my body. I got dressed and left my house soon after.

And that was how I got here.

Standing in the doorway of my childhood best friend's door at night.

Maybe this was a bad idea?

August seemed to catch himself as I thought about whether I should leave or not.

"Kai... hey, what are you doing here?" He asked.

I raised my brow at that.

"Not that I don't want you here! I do! It's just that I didn't expect you" he said, thrusting out his hands. One was empty, while the other held a fire poker. If he thought that that would protect him then he is lucky that I'm not a burglar.

I looked at it and laughed softly.

He noticed, and dropped the poker behind the door, before inviting me in.

Stepping in, I thought about all of our good times here.

I sighed happily. I looked around. It was different. It didn't look or feel homey anymore. It was more... plastic. It felt like it seemed like home but never was one.

I looked back at August, who was busy trying to shoo away April.

She looked at me, gave me a double thumbs up, before running away as Gus threw something.

My light blush became a smile as he walked over to me.

"So, Kaiser what's up" he said awkwardly.

I chuckled inwardly. He was always bad in these types of things.

I stepped forward and hugged him.

For being there.

For not abandoning me.

For helping me, when I didn't want to help myself.

I knew that I wasn't ready to talk, not yet.

I took out my prepared note and placed our his hand.

He went to open it, but I closed this fist around it, signaling not to open it now.

"Later?" He questioned.

I smiled at his unsure look, and nodded.

God, he looked adorable. I grinned at him.

He scratched back of his neck.

"Umm... do you want something to drink? Or you can sit down if you want. You hungry? We have some extra food and I wasn't finish mine. We could eat"

I wasn't really hungry but he was fidgety and I wanted to console him, so I nodded.

He smiled widely, and said, "Great!"

He pulled me towards the kitchen.

The kitchen was large, bigger than mine. There was various pots and pans in the sink. One half empty plate sat on the marble kitchen counter.

August opened the fridge door. He scanned the inside, before pulling out a blue bowl with plastic wrap around it.

He pulled out a plate, and put me some.

We sat at the island and at in an awkward silence. August seemed to notice too, because he cleared his throat and looked straight at me.

"So, why exactly are you here?" He wondered aloud.

Why am I here?

I shrugged, looking down at my barely touched food.

"Look at me, Kai. Tell me what to do, because I've been trying on my own. But it's not working. So, please I'm begging you to tell me what you want. Tell me how I can make you look at me the way I look at you. And if you can't, then tell me a lie. Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you'll try as hard as I am. Just tell me something, please. I can't do it by myself"

My heart stopped.

I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have.

My breathing got hard, as memories flooded my head.

Memories of him.

Black dots started to block my vision, as I recognized that I was having a panic attack.

I quickly stood and headed to the door.

August grabbed me, making my heart pick up. He turned me to face him. His beautiful eyes were red and wet with tears.

"I'm sorry for letting you walk alone that day. I really am. If I hadn't maybe, it wouldn't have happened. Maybe you would be okay. Maybe we would be okay. But I can't go back, only forward, okay?"

I managed to nod. I went to pull away, but August had yet to let go.

He pulled me closer, and I felt his soft warm lips on mine.

A pleasurable sensation set its course through me, causing me to moan softly. But it was stomped down by the searing white hot pain of the memory of the man that ended my sexual love life before it started. I bit down on August's lip. I felt bile rush in my throat. I ran out of his house, before emptying my stomach.

I cried softly. Forcing myself to get up, I stood and walked home as slow as possible.

*****
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