What If? [Divergent] ✔️

4//choosing ceremony

[tobias' pov]

I am too nervous to think when I wake up the next morning after the aptitude test.

I don't know if I can even say it, but I think I might be even more nervous than yesterday, which is probably true, now that I think about it.

I know what my results are, but for some reason, this knowledge has not made it any easier to decide.

I slip quietly into my gray clothing and troop downstairs to eat my mush of a breakfast. (Dinner is the only time we get solid food. Stupid Abnegation rules)

Ok, what did I just say?? Do I really think Abnegation is stupid?? What do I think Abnegation is??

Ugh, I can't stop thinking bad things about Abnegation! I got an Abnegation result, for goodness sakes!

In truth, I don't know what to think, so I just push all thoughts out of my head, and sit at the table.

My parents are sitting there too, but they eat in silence, probably just as nervous as I am.

___________________________

After we let everybody go on the bus before us, we finally board it to go to the Choosing Ceremony.

I keep runnng my palms down my slacks, and I still have not made a decision.

By now I am almost sure that I do not want to stay in Abnegation, which shocks me too!

But with all my doubt, I have finally made a little bit of a decision.

As we arrive at the Ceremony, I am pretty sure I am going to finally make a bigger decision, but then I start second guessing myself again.

Why do we even need factions? What's the point? It just breaks us apart into our own sections of hate and violence. Why can't we just love?

I get off the bus feeling a little numb, and watch with concealed awe at the incoming Dauntless.

I have always wanted to run with them, the wind in face, and nothing to worry about. I don't think I would ever be fit for it though.

Sure, I can run, and I'm in decent shape, but just imagining doing the things the Dauntless do scares me.

I walk through the the building with my parents beside, receiving lots of polite nods and waves.

I've always wanted to get away from that, and from being so close to people who lead one of the factions we are forced to live in.

I've thought about even becoming a leader one day, but now, the thought disgusts me.

If I have the choice to get away from that, I will.
___________________________

"Mom, why? You know I can't, it's against the rules!"

She gives me a look that says she's heard this enough.

"I don't care about the rules right now, please just tell me your results."

She has a hard, urgent look on her face now, and I can see determination behind her eyes.

Why is she so curious about what I got? Does she know I could be a--

"Are you Divergent?"
___________________________

Blond hair, black folder, blue pantsuit, blue heels, and something behind those hard, gray eyes of hers.

Is it fear?

"Hello, and welcome to another Choosing Ceremony, another year, another new opportunity. I hope those of you Choosing today are all ready and have the knowledge that you need to get through this. I will call names in alphabetical order, and when you here your name, come up, take the knife, and choose your faction."

There is some murmuring, but I have too big of a lump stuck in my throat to even try and turn my head.

As Jeanine calls the names of people I don't know, and families I don't know the names of weep over their child's switch, I think some more.

Do I just go up, and choose randomly? Or do I just stay in Abnegation?

I think you know what you want to do.

"Tobias Eaton!"

My name snaps me out of listening to my nasty little voice, and I slowly get up from my seat, my tongue unbearably dry.

I nod and force a smile on my face as I pass Jeanine, and I think I know what to do as I pick up the knife and slit my palm.

I take a quick look back at my parents, and I feel a pang in my chest as I see their tight set faces. This must be even harder for them.

I squeeze a little of my blood and hold my hand over the sizzling coals.

I close my eyes and hear it sizzle, as my heart thunks rapidly in my chest.

I listen for Jeanine to announce Dauntless, but it never comes.