Limerence | I

16. All Cried Out

It was so hard to believe that Derrick was gone even as I was kneeling beside his casket. The room was filled with sobs and sniffles but I was all cried out. I'd spent the past week crying myself to sleep. I placed my warm hand on top of his cold one. He didn't look like himself, as I expected. "I'm so sorry." I whispered to him. Even though he couldn't hear me, I had to apologize. We ended on a bad note and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least tell him that I was sorry. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to find Auntie Kel kneeling beside me.

"This might not be a good time but I really have to talk to you." She spoke softly but with severity in her tone. I immediately knew it was relating to Jared. But how did she know? I stood up, taking one last look at my brother. Auntie Kel and I walked out of the morbid room and into a dim, carpeted hallway. We stood in a secluded corner where no one could hear us. "I need to know what happened a couple weeks ago." She said. This was the conversation I was trying to avoid.

I didn't tell anyone after it happened. Not even Mama. I didn't need her getting arrested for murder despite how much I hated Jared's guts. I didn't tell Eli or Derrick because they had their own issues to deal with. I didn't tell Auntie Kel because I didn't think she would believe me in the first place. And if she did, her heart would be broken. And I didn't tell anyone at Juilliard because I didn't feel comfortable enough. Who's to say they would have cared anyway. I took a deep breath. How was I supposed to tell her?

"He uh... He raped me." I spoke quietly even thought there was no one around. I didn't want to risk anyone accidentally over hearing. For a moment, I expected Auntie Kel to be taken aback but she wasn't. Instead, she smirked and shook her head. I folded my arms over my chest uncomfortably.

"He said you would say that." She spat. I knew she wouldn't believe me but now I was wondering what Jared told her. "I knew something was up between you two. You came onto him and he didn't want you. So now you make up some bullshit about him raping you." Her words were like daggers. However, she wasn't finished yet. "I should have never let a whore like you into my house. You're just like your mother." With that she walked away. Once she was gone, I spotted Jared out of the corner of my eye. He stood with his hands in his pockets. When he noticed me looking at him, he winked. My skin crawled as he walked back into the funeral room.

♠️

After the funeral, I knew there was no way that I could go back to Auntie Kel's house. And going to Mama's would push me deeper into my state of depression. So the only place I could think of was the practice room. It was empty when I got there. I sat down in front of the piano but my body was stiff. I couldn't play anything. I had no inspiration; no motivation. So I stared at the keys and let my mind drift away.

I thought about my first break up. I was 15 years old and I hadn't been dating the guy for too long. We had a few classes together we never actually spoke much for most of the year. One day he came up to me and just started talking. After that, we spoke every single day. By the end of the year, we were official. But it didn't last long. Just a month later, we broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. Apparently his friends told him that if I didn't, it meant I wasn't that into him. I felt like I was in some kind of high school movie. But the feelings were so real.

When Derrick found out, he was so angry. The next day, he beat that guy's ass so bad that I cringed just watching it. But I had no sympathy. At that moment, Derrick and I grew closer because I knew he had my back and I planned on having his. But sadly, I didn't have his back the way I thought I did.

I heard the practice room's door open and I snapped out of my thoughts. I didn't realize that I had a few more tears left. I quickly wiped them from my cheeks. "What are you doing here?" I said before sniffling as quietly as I could. I didn't want to make it obvious that I was crying.

"I was walking by and I saw you in here." Xavier said as he sat in a wooden chair across the room. Although I didn't dare look at him, I knew he was watching me. I kept my eyes on the keys and started to play random notes. I was trying to distract myself. "Talk to me." He continued. His voice dropped an octave showing me just how serious he was.

"There's nothing to talk about." I countered. I still didn't make eye contact. Judging by the intensity in his voice, if I looked at him I could possibly burst into flames. So I continued to distract myself with the instrument in front of me.

"Don't do that." He responded quickly.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't pretend like you're okay when you're not." He sounded annoyed which made me not want to talk to him even more. He hadn't been the friendliest person lately. For most of the week, he ignored me. And if he did speak to me, he carried the biggest attitude I'd ever seen.

"I don't have anything to say to you." I snapped. He stood quiet. So I continued. "All week you've been ignoring me and now all of a sudden you want me to talk to you. You can't be pissed off at me one second and then caring the next." I finished. There was another silence. I wasn't sure what his reaction was but I didn't hear anything. For a moment, I thought he left the room.

"Look at me." He stated firmly. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. "Look at me, Charli." He raised his voice slightly and added more aggression. I pursed my lips and finally looked up at him. I wondered if he was this dominant toward Astrid too or if it was just me. I had never seen this side of him and I didn't know what to think of it. "I'm not pissed off at you. I'm conflicted." His intense eyes didn't soften but I could tell he was stressed about something. I didn't bother to ask because at the moment, I didn't care.

"That doesn't give you the right to treat me the way you have been." I argued. His jaw clenched a little bit and he nodded his head slowly.

"You're right." He said simply. "I'm sorry." I was grateful for the apology but I wasn't sure if it was going to change anything. I was still pissed off at him and he still had a tense demeanor. We stared each other down, waiting for the other to speak. I didn't have anything to say. So if he didn't either, then the conversation would be over. "Alex told me what happened on the roof the other day. What happened?" For the first time during the whole encounter, his eyes softened and he seemed genuine. Like he wanted to know because he really cared. A lump grew in my throat. I didn't tell anyone about my Derrick's passing because it was hard to talk about. I wasn't ready yet.

"I don't want to talk." I let my head hang as I shook my head softly. The last little bit of crying I had left escaped. Tears dripped from my eyes and fell onto my lap. A silent cry turned into a quiet sob. I felt Xavier's arms around me as he sat beside me on the bench. I rested my head on his chest as he gripped me tighter.

"We don't have to." He said quietly before planting a careful kiss on my forehead.

This is only the beginning, guys. Enjoy!!