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Chapter 42 - The Uphill Climb

CHAPTER 42

CARLY

The first 48 hours were crucial, and when we got through those without any setbacks, I found myself breathing a little easier.

John took me down in a wheelchair to see her the morning after she was born and we were actually able to go inside, provided we wear the sterile gown, gloves and cap. I was nervous; and that feeling turned into full on terror when I realized I couldn't tell which baby was mine.

What kind of mom didn't recognize her own child!?

I saw all of the machines in the picture taken by the nurse last night, but being here in person was overwhelming. John led me towards a cradle all the way across the room.

It was hot around Addie's overhead radiant cradle, with lots of flashing lights and beeping monitors. There was a name tag with Addie's name on it, as well as the chart the doctors and nurses were using to keep up to date with everything.

Addie was at the very center of a tangle of tubes and wires, lying perfectly still with her eyes closed. Since her hand was too small, a sensor had to be taped to her foot instead. She had very red skin, which looked wrinkled and almost translucent, as it was so thin. Her body was so small and she had so little fat on her that I could count each of her ribs and see her blood vessels.

"Is she hungry do you think?" I whispered, looking at John.

"Don't worry; they're takin' good care of her..." he replied, reaching for my hand as we stood next to the cradle. "But we can always ask a nurse, she'll answer any of our questions," he added calmly, although I knew him well enough to know he was anything but calm. There was so much pain in his gaze. He hated seeing Addie like this as much as I did.

"Yeah," I whispered, reaching towards the cradle, wanting so desperately to touch Addie, but hesitating halfway through the motion. "Can I touch her?" I asked a nurse as she passed by.

I wanted so desperately to touch her again, to hold her. I couldn't help but feel a sting of jealousy at the thought that, up until now, the doctors and nurses had more contact with my daughter than John and I.

"Yes, of course, just be very careful," the nurse replied, stopping to guide us through this new process.

The nurse was very kind and patient, answering questions we had, specifically the one I had about breastfeeding. Addie was too weak to suckle at the moment, so she'd be fed through an IV. We were assured that soon enough we'd be able to feed her milk, which would pass through a tube that fed through her nose and went all the way into her stomach.

My finger brushed gently against Addie's arm, at least a part of it that wasn't covered in tubes or wires.

"Is she in pain?" I asked as tears welled up behind my eyelids. John squeezed my hand.

"No, not at all," the nurse replied. "Don't you worry, Addie isn't feelin' a single thing... She gets to sleep through it all," she added when I didn't look entirely convinced.

"Lucky girl; I wish I could spend all day sleepin'," John smirked.

I was discharged the following afternoon. As reluctant as I was to leave Addie behind at the hospital, John convinced me that we both needed some time away to recuperate.

He made a valid point: he'd been wearing the same clothes for three days now and he said he could do with a hot shower and a meal that wasn't hospital food or takeout. In a way, I was actually a little anxious to get back to the ranch and see how my uncle, Dale and Travis were doing holding down the fort.