Anathema

Halloween

I was alone on Halloween..for a while. I went trick-or-treating all by myself. I didn't have any friends to go with. All of my old friends abandoned me and I didn't know what happened to Cameron. I guess he hated me too.

While trick-or-treating I ran into my old friends but they didn't say anything to me, they just looked at me. They looked sad for me but they didn't do anything about it.

If they had asked me to join them, maybe I wouldn't be like this. But then again maybe if a lot of things hadn't happened then just maybe I wouldn't be like this.

While aimlessly walking around different neighborhoods I found a group of teenagers that I didn't recognize, they called me over to them.

I was a bit in shock but I didn't feel like I was in danger. There were three girls and two guys. As I walked over to them, I looked at my surroundings. I looked for potential weapons, just in case I might need one.

One of the girls, Melanie, asked why I was alone and I told her I didn't have any friends anymore. Then another girl piped up, "Well we can be your friends for tonight, I mean if you want to hang out with us." Her name was Casey, she seemed really shy. She was really nice.

I pondered the idea of having friends for a night and I said I would love to hang out with them.

Melanie was dressed as dead Alice (Alice in Wonderland), Casey was dressed as a member from some band that I didn't know. The other girl's name was Victoria and she was dressed as a dead unicorn, her hair was died blue and purple. One of the guys was Chase, he was dressed as batman and the other boy, Matt, was dressed as the joker.

They all looked really cool, even if I didn't know who exactly Casey was. Later I found out that she was dressed as Ashley Costello from New Years Day, a pretty rad band that I didn't find out about till later.

I looked so lame compared to them all. I was dressed as a creepy rag doll. I had a black dress with pieces of random fabric aimlessly stitched onto it and black and purple striped leggings with little black boots. I had teased out my hair and did my makeup.

Granted, I did look pretty cool, but they all looked better than me. While we walked around, Chase pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked if anyone wanted one. I pondered the idea, I wanted to try one but I wasn't really sure. At the moment, I turned down the offer.

We walked for hours, even after all the houses stopped giving out candy. We just walked around in the moonlight. After a while, we stopped in a park. Casey pulled out a bottle from her backpack, it looked like alcohol and later I found out it was.

She offered me a sip and I decided to take it. It was peach schnapps, at first it burned my throat but then it felt nice. I felt calm and happy for the first time in ages. We sat and talked about our lives. I found out they lived in a different town, they were just visiting for the night.

They were all older than me by a year or two. After I told them about Tyler and Cameron they really wanted me to move schools so that I'd have some friends. I wanted that as well but my mom would never let me.

After a while Chase offered cigarettes again and I decided to smoke my very first cigarette. They were these really cute black cigarettes that I can't remember the name of. It was nice, very soothing. Matt asked me if I enjoyed the cigarette, when I nodded he asked me if I wanted to try something else.

Questions like that make me nervous but since I was tipsy I said sure. Matt then proceeded to hand me a pipe and told me to light it and hold my finger over the little hole and inhale. If you haven't figured it out yet, that was my first time smoking weed.

I coughed a little at first but I just kept smoking it. It made me giggly and fun, I wanted to be like this all the time. I was always such a nervous wreck but after smoking, I was so calm and happy.

I sat there and smiled at nothing in particular, it was just so nice to have friends for once. After a while I asked Melanie what time it was and to my dismay she said it was one o'clock in the morning.

I began to panic and asked if one of them had a car to which Victoria answered yes. She said she was parked a few blocks away. It took us a while to get back to the car because everyone was either shit faced drunk or high as a kite.

I directed Victoria to my uncles house because if I showed up at home at this hour my mom would've skinned me alive.

I said goodbye to my one-night-friends that I'd probably never see again and to that I got hugs from Victoria, Casey, and Melanie. Matt just patted me on the back and said he hoped things got better for me. Chase hugged me for a while then pulled away and that's when I noticed the tears in his eyes.

He said to me, "Don't forget us because we won't forget you. You're important okay? Don't let these people make you feel worthless because you're not. I love you, we love you."

A tear escaped my eye and I thought of how great it would be to just leave with them. I wanted to leave with them, to whatever town they lived in but I couldn't. I was just too afraid, too fucking afraid.

That's when I noticed it all. The faint lines on Victoria's arms and the burn marks on Casey. The scratches all over Matt and the way Melanie shook constantly even though she wasn't cold. And lastly I noticed the thick scar line on Chase's neck. I began to cry, hard.

Victoria piped up, "Bliss, why don't you come with us? You can live with me or Chase, we both live on our own. It would be easy to just leave. You can go home and grab your things and we can take you with us." I just looked at her.

She had no idea how much I wanted to leave with them but I couldn't do it. "I just can't." You could barely hear me when I spoke. Victoria nodded and all of them looked like they really understood.

I hugged all of them one last time and we said our final goodbyes. As I rushed inside I wiped away the tears and
hoped that someday I'd cross paths with those amazing people again.

As I walked in I was surprised to see my uncle still awake. He looked at me and asked why I was there to which I responded, "I got lost somewhere and I found my way here, it was closer than going home." He just nodded then asked something I wasn't expecting, "Why do you smell like drugs and alcohol?" I couldn't spit out an answer, "I-I uhm..I wa-was with some people and they were drinking and stuff."

He didn't look convinced but he didn't make me explain. "Well have you called your mom?" I told him I hadn't and he handed me his phone. He told me to tell her that I had been at his house since 10:00, I did and she said that was fine and she'd pick me up in the morning.

I went into my room, technically it's the guest room but I'm the only guest he really ever has. As I sat on the bed I wondered about the scars on my one-night-friends. They had so many scars but they were still beautiful people.

I opened my bag of candy and began binge eating. I stared at the ceiling and thought of self harm. What would it be like? What would ever drive me to that point? I would never do that.

-----------------------------------------------

That night I dreamt about the people I had met. The dream was nice, I had moved in with Chase and I was going to school with all of them. The only problem was the end of the dream. I was looking in the mirror and I had scars all over my body. Cuts, scratches, burn marks, and I was so fat.

I woke up crying and shaking. I didn't want to end up that way. I got up and looked in the mirror, I had gained weight and I had dark circles under my eyes. Maybe it just didn't matter what I looked like. Who even cares?

Those people I had met had scars all over themselves and they were all gorgeous people. It didn't matter.