Anathema

March//Changes

Change was in the air during March and it felt good.

Vanessa kept quiet about Cameron to the police but she did ruin his reputation at school. No one really talked to him anymore which made me happy. He didn't deserve friends.

So many people believed Vanessa that even some of the upperclassmen apologized to me. I got a few "sorry I called you a slut" messages on Facebook and one in person.

Ashley walked up to me at lunch while I was reading in my spot. She stared down at me for a second before sitting across from me. At first I thought she was going to try to start more drama with me but then she just sighed, "I really have to apologize to you. You deserve more than an apology, you deserve my head on a pitch fork. I didn't know what Cameron was doing but I have been in love with him since the first time we met so whatever he said, I just believed him. I was so stupid." At this point a few tears escaped her eyes.

I finally looked up from my lap and faced her. She really was sorry, these weren't fake tears. I smiled slightly, "Listen, Ashley, it's all water under the bridge. I accept your apology, but you need to be more careful about who you trust. We both learned that lesson the hard way, I think." She smiled at me with relief in her eyes.

She stood up but before walking away she said, "You're a strong girl. You put up with so much shit and even though you probably did some not-so-great things, you're still here. That means something." She nodded, turned and walked away. It was her senior year so I wouldn't be hearing from Ashley again.
-------------------------------------------
Exactly one week after Austin and I broke up he began to date another girl named Autumn. Even though I was the one who ended the relationship, I couldn't help but feel this slight tinge of jealousy. It was ridiculous that I was jealous but I couldn't help it. I did like Austin I just couldn't stand being touched sometimes.

About two weeks had passed with me watching Austin from afar wishing I was Autumn. And every day I felt dumber and dumber. I decided I would message Austin, I really missed him. Maybe I was ready for a real relationship.

Me: Hey, how've you been?
Him: um well I've been better
Me: Oh, what's going on? Do you want to talk about it?
Him: yeah, well me and Autumn aren't really getting along. I guess we just aren't compatible I just don't know how to break up with her. I have feelings for someone else.
Me: Wow. Well you need to talk to her about it. If you're not happy then chances are, she isn't happy either. Who do you like? You don't have to tell me.
Him: well I was happy with you when you broke up with me. Um actually, you are who I have feelings for.
Me: Okay. The reason I broke up with you is because I felt stupid. You would touch me and I would tell you not to because I was scared. I felt so fucking dumb. But I feel dumber without you, I still like you.
Him: I need to talk to autumn.
Me: Oh um ok.

We didn't talk again for a few days but Austin and Autumn broke up the day after we talked. I went on with my life, hanging out in my spot and going to my classes. I hadn't ditched a class since January and it was March now. I was proud of myself, I was passing all of my classes except for Algebra but I was already signed up for summer school.

No one else was proud of me, in fact my mom was furious. She was absolutely disappointed in me, but that wasn't anything new. The only person who vaguely understood was my uncle.

On March 10 Austin and I got back together. It was Monday and I hadn't slept the night before so I fell asleep on the bus. Someone was shaking my legs, which were up on the seat, when I woke up. I thought we were at the last stop and someone needed a seat but to my surprise, Austin was trying to wake me up.

I scooted over in my seat and let him sit next to me. I smiled and he smiled then whispered a good morning. I hugged him and whispered "good morning" in his ear. I pulled away and apologized for hugging him. He smiled at me and said, "You don't have to apologize, I love your hugs." I blushed at this, followed by a yawn.

Austin just had this cute little smile plastered to his face, "Are you tired?" He asked. I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder, just like the morning he first kissed me. I fell asleep again after a few minutes. When I woke up I had my arms wrapped around his waist and he had one hand tangled in my hair.

I smiled as I sat up, I looked into his eyes for a second before saying, "I've missed you quite a bit. I wanted to say sorry because it wasn't your fault we broke up, I just felt dumb." He nodded as I spoke then said, "I don't fully understand what you were feeling but I want to be here for you. And I want you to know if you ever tell me to stop touching you, I will immediately. No matter if we're hugging or kissing or more." Sincerity was written all over his face.

I decided to be coy, I did enjoy being coy, "So does this mean you want me back?" He blushed the colour of a little pig and nodded. I smiled widely and said, "Good, because I want you back too." Just like that, I was kissing him again, we were back together again.

A few days later I decided I wanted to cut my hair. I was going to cut it to my chin and dye half of it cherry red. I do this ever so often, I decide to change my appearance.

I convinced my mom that it was a good idea and she took me to a hair salon. I told the woman what to do and she immediately chopped off a long piece of my hair saying, "You can't turn back now!" I smiled and said, "Good, I don't want to." She nodded and continued cutting and styling my hair.

When it was over I felt completely transformed and I hadn't even dyed it yet. We bought the hair dye, the cheap Splat brand, and went home. I had to bleach my hair, I looked strange with half blonde half dark brown hair.

Once I finished dying my hair, I felt completely new. I told Austin about cutting my hair, I felt a little self conscious. What if he didn't like it? What if no one liked it? Then in the back of my mind I could just hear my uncle, "Fuck 'em. Who cares as long as you're happy."

I was excited for the next day.