Anathema

Relationships Are Weird. // Silence is an Act of Violence Too.

After the spectacular kiss I shared with Austin I was a bit confused. Were we dating or was it just a spontaneous kiss that didn't mean much?

We hung out during lunch that day and he walked me to my class and we kissed again. But neither of us questioned if we were going out or not. We just went with it. That is, until two days later.

Austin and I had been kissing and hanging out. And finally he asked, officially, "Will you go out with me?" I decided to be coy, "No....I'm just kidding! Of course I will." We kissed and that was that. A new relationship formed.

I was a little surprised he asked me. I thought our relationship would be another Cameron thing. But as time passed I realized, I wasn't really into this relationship. I liked him and I enjoyed kissing him but there was something still bothering me.

I was very indecisive about something. I couldn't figure out why I was still so scared of Austin. I liked kissing him and falling asleep with him but sometimes he would touch me and I would get scared. I hated that, it made me feel so unable to even be in a relationship. How was I supposed to be with him if sometimes I wouldn't even let him touch me?

Eventually this drove me to do something else I was unsure of. On February 27 I broke up with Austin at school during lunch. I didn't want to but I just couldn't take feeling so stupid because I couldn't be touched sometimes.

We walked together for a while before I built up the courage to say anything at all, "Austin, I have to um, I have to talk to you about something." He looked up at me like he already knew where the conversation was going.

"I think, I think it'd be best if we broke up. I think. I just, I like you a lot. I don't think I'm in a good place though. Like I feel like I'm not good enough for you." He nodded as I spoke, a little too quickly. I was just so afraid that he'd be mad at me. He stayed silent for a solid minute before finally, "I understand but I don't agree with you. But that's the way you feel and I'll be alright and I hope you're okay. You know, you can talk to me about anything. Um we can still be friends, right? Please?"

I smiled and said, "Of course, I'd like that." With that, he let go of my hand and kissed me again. He smiled, sadly and walked the other direction.

I felt sad and a little broken about it ending that way but I was okay. I wanted us to be friends and we still were. I turned and walked in a different direction as well. Then I realized, I still didn't have any friends.

Who was I supposed to talk to about this when I didn't have any friends? Where was I even supposed to go? I walked around until eventually I was in my same old secluded spot. But my spot was occupied by none other than, Cameron.

I looked at him for a moment, trying to think weather I wanted to sit or just turn and keep walking. I like the spot, it was my spot. So I just sat down across from him. He looked up from his phone at me and raised his brow. I shrugged and said, "Austin and I are no longer a going concern. So I have no one to hang out with. And this is kind of my spot, which you are occupying. I propose either we share the space or you leave."

He scrunched up his face at me and asked quite defensively, "Why should I leave? I got here before you. And I don't-" I cut him off by correcting him, "I said we could share the space. I didn't say you HAD to leave. It is preferred, but I'm not going to actually force you." He just nodded at me then looked down at his phone once again.

I assumed that was to say that we were sharing the space and we wouldn't be talking, which I was completely fine with.

I sat and read as Cameron sat, texting at an amazing pace. He was typing and sending with such ferocity, it was baffling. I wondered why he was sitting alone and why he was texting so insanely fast. Eventually he got a phone call, he got up and walked about 20 ft. away.

I could hear him arguing with someone. It was school drama. I only know because I heard a few familiar names, such as Vanessa.

When he finished yelling at whoever, he hung up and shoved he phone in the front pocket of his jeans. He sat down, quite ungracious and sighed loudly. I looked up from my book and studied him for a moment. When he looked up at me I merely shrugged and looked back down at my book.

He sighed once again and this time it annoyed me, "Is there something bothering you, Cameron?" I said it with a sassy tone. He looked at me and shrugged, reaching into his pocketing pulling out his phone. He handed to me and I assumed the passcode was the same as it had been when we were close. I unlocked it, typing 1988 quickly.

I went to his text messages where I found a thread between him and Vanessa. Cameron had apparently tried what he did to me on Vanessa. It wasn't ending well. She threatened to call the police, she had several friends involved. And all the while I couldn't stop thinking that I could've prevented it. If I had said something when Cameron did the things he did then Vanessa wouldn't be in this position.

That is why I now believe silence can be an act of violence too.