Bad Boys Don't Smile / phan

chapter thirteen

dan

Dan is curled in the corner of his room, staring at the back of his eyelids.

His heart feels completely empty. He's been here for so long, or at least, it feels like a long time for him. But the thing is, Dan feels that he would be content to stay here forever, just curled in his corner until time runs out.

Beside him, there is three bottles of pills, and he was planning on taking them, however he still cannot bring himself to do it - he wants to leave, but part of him still wants to stay.

Dan suddenly jumps in fright when he hears a loud thump in his room. He looks up through sad, tear filled eyes to see Phil, half way through his open window, wriggling to try and get inside the room.

"Ph-Phil?" Dan stammers, his voice hoarse and tone surprised, "what... What are you doing here?"

"I-you- you texted me Dan," Phil says, straining as he pulls himself through the window, landing on Dan's carpet with a thump, "so I ran here."

"Oh, I-I didn't think you'd come," Dan whispers quietly, looking down at the ground, "I just... I'm fine. You shouldn't have come."

"You don't look fine Dan," Phil points out.

And it's true; Dan has tear stains on his pink cheeks, his eyes are red and sore, his hair is hanging in slight curls in his eyes and he looks so lifeless and deflated.

Phil kneels beside Dan, reaching out and placing a hand on his knee in a comforting matter. Dan doesn't look up, but he's surprised about how one touch can make him feel weirdly somewhat better.

"Tell me what's wrong," Phil prompts gently, "I can't help if you if I don't know."

"You already know Phil," Dan says, sighing deeply, "I've told you what's wrong with me."

"No, I mean, why are you upset now?" He asks.

"The same reason Phil, these things I have, they are kind of permanent," Dan says, "depression never leaves. Occasionally, it will get worse. Sometimes, it gets a bit better, but it's always there, and it always will be."

"Oh, I just... I thought..." Phil stammers.

"Well you thought wrong," Dan says, cutting him off, "it never leaves Phil! There's no escape for me and there never will be!"

"I wasn't going to say about your depression, I was going to say that I thought maybe something in particular had upset you or perhaps triggered you," Phil says, his time switching to rather harsh and he removes his hand of Dan's knee.

"Oh, I just thought-"

"Well, you thought wrong," he says quietly, anger laced through his tone, "I already know a lot about depression."

"You can't be depressed. You're Phil Lester, the school's source of sunshine in this rainy city," Dan says, trying to lighten the mood but failing miserably as he just annoys Phil even more.

"No, I wasn't depressed but my sister was," Phil says, his tone softening and his eyes filling with tears as he sits on the carpet, "she died... She killed herself Dan. She just left me."

Phil is crying now, and Dan, by instinct, reaches over and pulls him into a hug. Phil responds, wrapping his arms around Dan's waist and sobbing into his shoulder. Dan feels tears prick his own eyes. If Phil is anything to go off, there's no way he's leaving Shawn, not like that.

"I'm sorry Phil," Dan whispers, squeezing him tightly, "I never realised, I didn't... I'm sorry."

After roughly five minutes, Phil pulls away, leaning back and facing Dan, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his blue sweater. After another minute of silence, Phil finally speaks.