suicide hotline » styles

\\letter two\\

augustus 5, 2015 05:54 am

dear lauren,

it took a lot of courage for me to write you back. i do not think that you know how much vodka and how many cigarettes it took me to even write your name on paper. and you know what, lauren? you do not get to choose. you do not choose how much i love you, you do not choose how much i care. you are not my master and i am not your servant. i am, and will be, my own person. and i get that you are mad. i get that you are furious. you have the right to be, but do not forget that it is my right to do whatever the fuck i want! do you think that i just gave up on you, like you were nothing? life is too short to sit around and wait for things to happen, lauren. you were on life support for more than half a year. everyone, including the doctors, gave up on you after a month. but i stayed, i sat by you and cried, i begged  i pleaded. you know those fairy tales, where the guy kisses the girl and she wakes up? well, my dearest lauren, it didn't work. and eventually i gave up too. i am sorry for putting you through so much pain. the world is not perfect, and i am, unfortunately, far from being perfect. 

have you ever loved someone so much that you wish you were dead, just to be closer to that person? i have been feeling like that for a long time. even before you tried to stop your own thoughts from hurting you, i wanted to be dead. not because of the world, no, lauren, it was because of you. at first i tried to help you, but that obviously did not work out. then, i did something, something i now regret. i now know that i wanted to be dead because i wanted to feel what you felt. i wanted to be depressed just to talk to you about feeling like the world tried to hurt you. but it did not work. it destroyed me.

i know i am just rambling and i know this is not what you want to hear, but trust me, i hated trying to be you. i disliked myself, i disliked the world, and therefore i disliked you. so i had to stop visiting you. because sometimes, lauren, you have to be selfish. all my life i have been there for others, i fixed people's problems, but eventually i stopped remembering how it felt like to fix my own. so, my dearest lauren, i don't think i can see you. for now. and i understand you're hurt, but please, stay alive. be angry at me, show me how you will survive. i know you can. 

love you lots, still.

harry. 

   ☁ 

tell me, do any of you side with harry? or with lauren? please tell me what you think! lots of love, Sarah