How to Be a Virgin

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CHAPTER 1

      [ Mike ]

Tonight was the night that I was going to lose my virginity.

I had it all planned out, too. After continuing to pester my best friend, Derek, about my constant state of purity, he agreed to set me up with a hot girl who had no qualms about hooking up with someone out of her league. She consented mostly because Derek had asked her and because he was the hottest and most desirable guy in school, but that wasn't the point. 

The point was that this was going to be the best birthday present ever.

"You still haven't told me her name," I voiced as I tapped Derek's shoulder to grab his attention. He was staring at the other side of the cafeteria, where his on-and-off-again boyfriend, Calvin, sat with another boy. Even when I tried to get his attention, he kept staring. "Derek!"

He gave me a slight nod, but didn't tear his gaze away from Calvin.

"Sexy Christie is checking you out," I lied on the spot, hoping it would pique his interest.

Sure enough, he snapped his oceanic blue eyes to mine. "She is?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "Stop staring at him. You're seriously surpassing my levels of creepy."

He stared at me for a ridiculously long time before he released a heavy sigh and raked a hand through his shaggy, dark hair. "I can't help it. Like how can Calvin go from dating me to dating that nerd? He looks gross. He's got acne and everything."

I rolled my eyes. "He probably has a bigger dick than you." His face hardened, which made me burst into a fit of laughter. "I'm kidding ... sorta."

Derek's jaw clenched tight, as though he was desperately resisting the urge to hurt me. When he finally composed himself, he sighed once more, and reverted his attention back to Calvin.

"So, this girl that I'm supposed to lose my virginity to?" I prompted, hoping he would elaborate, but he didn't. "What's her name? Is she in our grade? Is she blonde? Is she a Latina?"

He chuckled. "If I tell you, it'll ruin the surprise."

"But you can't not tell me," I interjected, "I need to know so I can mentally prepare myself."

"Or..." He lifted himself from his seat and pulled his lips into a lopsided smirk, "...you can be patient and wait for the time to come."

"But-"

"Happy birthday, Mikey." He reached over the table separating us to run a sloppy hand through my hair, and then ambled over to the exit of the cafeteria. I watched in awe as he disappeared behind the double doors, shaking my head slowly. If he hadn't been such an amazing friend for the past week, then I would've ran after him to bother him with more questions.

So if I couldn't rely on Derek to tell me who it was, then I would have to settle for his second best friend - after me, of course.

I picked up my feet and strolled over to the opposite side of the cafeteria where Calvin sat. He jumped in his skin when I plopped my lunch tray onto the empty space next to him and settled into my seat.

"Hey Calvin, how are you?" He opened his mouth to respond, but I quickly cut him off. "I don't really care. Now, why don't you tell me why you're kicking it with this kid?" I glanced at the boy across from us who had skin the color of snow and a pair of large bifocals sitting at the tip of his narrow nose.

Calvin cleared his throat. "This is Lenny. He's in my Psych class. He's really nice and smart."

I scoffed. "You do know that you torture Derek when you do stuff like this, right?"