No reply

Chapter two

_______________

Part two- Paul's P.O.V

_______________

I reached out slowly, placing my hand on his knee. He glanced down, but thankfully he didn't object or seem to mind much. "You have to cry." I said simply, looking into his eyes, making myself seem more final about it. He opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off. "Really John, it's the only way to fix this. It's okay, you can cry in front of me." I said soothingly, patting his knee with the hand resting there.

This time he moved away from my touch, scooting back and shaking his head firmly. "There's no way I'm gonna cry, that's for girls. I don't cry." He said, and I could see the pain in his eyes. He was afraid to cry, to be vunerable around me. "You have to." I said, crossing my arms across my chest to stop the urge of wanting to reach out and comfort John, to hug him tightly, telling him it's going to all be okay in the end. I wanted to so badly, but of course I didn't. He would probably punch me or call me a girl.

"I really can't Paul, I'm not crying." He said, his already thin lips pressing together tightly while he stared at the ground. "We could keep this up all day, but you are going to cry. I promise it helps. That's all I want to do, is help." I said honestly, feeling the odd warmth in my chest again, making my thoughts a little unclear. I scooted over to John until I was right in front of him on the wet grass, our legs crossed, a matching expression on each of our faces. It was then that I felt that I was finally on John's level. I'm not sure what happened, it was all at once actually. I remember that I was thinking about this being like looking into a mirror, that maybe John and I were more alike than I thought. In that moment, I was John, he was me. His brown eyes locked with mine and I could feel all of the pain he was experiencing. I couldn't pry my eyes away from him, I was afraid of losing this feeling of being so incredibly close, to being the mirror image of John. I never looked away, I didn't even blink as I steadily leaned in, my hand caressing his face, my thumb lazily moving across his cheek that was wet with rain. I wanted to be closer, as impossible as it seemed in that moment. I wanted John close to me in every way possible.

"I just want to help."

I repeated quietly. My eyes shut instantly as my lips softly landed on his, and the mirror feeling didn't go away. If anything, it intensified. John instantly stiffened and he didn't react in the least. Hell, this was a stupid idea. But still I kissed him harder, hoping he would respond. I couldn't believe i was doing this, it was wrong. But still our lips molded together over and over, mostly on my part. I was such a strange and new feeling that I didn't have time to be upset at what I was doing. It was so surreal and strange that I had to stop for just a minute, to see John's reaction. A gust of air left his lips as we parted and he looked at me with wide, questioning eyes. "This is your idea of helping me? Snogging your best mate?" He asked breathlessly, blinking rapidly at me. I fought to catch my own breath so I could respond.

"I...I didn't mean to, sorry. I'll stop." I said, an embarrassing blush forming on my cheeks. I was afraid that what I had just done would cost me the relationship I shared with John. I waited for him to make me leave, to yell at me and call me a bloody queer. I pulled my knees up against me and hid my face behind my legs. I have no idea what made me think that doing that would be okay. Boys...boys couldn't like other boys. You can't kiss them either. It was just so incredible, though. The feeling it caused was indescribable. It made me feel so connected to the one person that I wished I could be. For a moment, it happened. And as sick as it sounded, I wanted to kiss him again.

"Stop lookin so disappointed then, if you didn't mean it."He said, swallowing in what seemed to be a nervous gesture.

I looked up at him again, a silent question in my expression, hoping he would see what I meant and let the subject drop. He quickly looked away like he was avoiding what happened as well. He stared at the grave, running his hands lightly over the ground in a timid way, like he was just now seeing it. "She's really gone. Gone for good this time, not like when she bloody abandoned me when I was a kid. She's pretty good at leaving, I'll give her that." He mumbled hoarsely. I looked down, feeling as if I were intruding on this moment John was having. I listened as he repeated the same things over and over, finally able to grieve over his mother. The broken sound of his voice was almost too much to bear, it brought back too many of my own memories. I could've sworn he was crying by his stuttering and intakes of breath.

"Are you alright?" I asked, eyeing him worriedly, taking in his completely tortured features and noticing that still there were no tears. I don't see how he did it. I'll admit I cried like a girl when my mum passed and John's behavior was expected but frightening nonetheless. "Just fine." He said bitterly, his chest slightly heaving up and down as he fought to steady his breathing. He was trying not to cry, holding all of his emotions inside. I inched closer to him and wrapped an arm protectively around him, half expecting him to protest. Instead he pulled me closer, almost causing me to loose my balance and fall on top of him. His head rested in the crook of my shoulder, his warm breath falling on my neck. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling a chill go down my spine at the feeling. "John, just cry, for heavens sake." I said in the firmest voice I could manage at this point. Before I even got half of the sentence out, a harsh sob raked John's body, followed by a few rapid gasps of breath as his tears landed on my shirt.

"Don't go Paul." He whined pathetically, clinging on to my clothing desperately. I bit down on my lip and held him closer. "Why would I go?" I whispered, running a hand through his auburn hair. "Everyone leaves. Nobody wants me, Paul. They pretend they care about me and then they leave. Why'd she leave?" He cried, shaking visibly. I felt my own eyes start to water at the tenderness of his confession and what he had said. I had no idea how alone he had felt until now, he always seemed fine to me. I swallowed thickly and wiped at my eyes. "It wasn't her fault John. She didn't mean to leave you. She loved you." I said. My shirt was even more soaked now than it was before from the rain. "I guess. I don't want you to go Paul. I like having you here, if it even matters to you. For all I know you could leave me like everyone else." He said. I sighed, patting his back awkwardly. John crying was hard to get used to, I missed his sarcastic remarks and insulting digs. At the same time though, I didn't mind this John too much.

"I guess I'm stuck here then." I chuckled, hoping he would almost be finished with his sobbing and pleading. At least his voice was almost back to normal now. "Good. If you say anything about this though you'll regret it. I don't need everyone thinking I'm some princess who cries and kisses blokes." He said, sitting up and wiping the tears from his face. I cringed at his comment, once again reminded of my stupidity.

"John.."

I said wearily, staring at him intently. I knew he wouldn't just leave it alone and forget about me kissing him. I shocked both of us by that, but the least he could do is try not to make me feel so horrible about it. It wasn't so awful, was it? Well, for me it wasn't awful at all. Did that make me queer? I've never really seen John in that way...we were mates. I wasn't a queer, that much I was sure of. Maybe it was just John. Maybe I had mistaken my admiration towards him as something more. "Let's get back before it really starts storming, alright? We'll talk about this some other time." he said. I nodded and stood up, reaching out my hand to pull him off of the ground too.

Great, later I would probably have to endure more snide remarks from him. I can't even imagine what he'll say once we were alone again. It's better than what I hoped for though. I thought he would hate me, that he would be totally disgusted, but he just said we'll talk about it some other time. At least there's going to be another's time I see him. He's my best mate, I can't lose that because of my idiotic whims.

We're too close for that.