Willa & the Extraordinary Internship

CH. 24

Willa wished she could say she was surprised when she saw the two-sentence snark from her (former?) friend. Luke's irrefutable thumbs-up on Cyn's Facebook status hurt, but it wasn't the main cause of her heartache.

"I wasn't sure I should show you," Maryam said hesitatingly, taking her phone back. "Like, you're not mad, are you?"

It was such a stupid thing to say that Willa almost laughed out loud. Maryam was looking at her so earnestly, like she needed Willa to tell her that she'd done the right thing in showing her the post and that it didn't matter anyway, because Willa was taking the high road. Willa took a long sip of her now cooling tea before responding. "You're kidding, right?"

Maryam didn't say anything, just stared at the screen until the phone turned off by itself, blinking into black oblivion.

"How did she get Luke's Facebook account?" Willa asked, words calm and steady.

Maryam glanced up at her, brow creasing ever so slightly. "I...."

"Did you tell her we broke up?" Willa continued, still speaking pleasantly, like her heart wasn't breaking. Like Maryam hadn't chosen the wrong side. Again.

"It wasn't a secret," Maryam defended, getting a pugnacious look on her face. "We're all friends."

"Are we?"

Maryam froze, a deer caught in the headlights. "Y-yes."

Her falter didn't go unnoticed by Willa. She smiled sadly at Maryam, trying to remember a time when it had just been her and her best friend - without Cyn. It seemed like so long ago.

It had all started with Professor Sharpe's college world history class, a mandatory requirement for all majors. Willa had been five minutes late to class and someone had taken her seat next to Maryam. In college there was no such thing as assigned seating, but it was a generally understood rule that you didn't steal another student's seat halfway through the semester. Willa wished she was gutsy enough to walk up to the blonde girl and tell her she was in Willa's seat, but instead she took one of the dreaded seats in the front of the class.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Grainger," Professor Sharpe had droned, pushing her wire-framed glasses higher on her nose and peering reproachfully at Willa. "As I was saying, now is a good time to start thinking about the end-of-semester project. Find a partner and start thinking about the topic of your report. Remember, it has to be no less than twenty pages and should discuss in further detail a subject on the syllabus that we've covered in class..."

Willa had stopped listening and was twisting around in her seat to catch Maryam's eye. Instead, her Indian friend was smiling at the blonde girl and Willa clearly caught the word "sure" pass her lips. When Maryam finally met Willa's gaze, her mouth opened into an "O" of surprise. When Willa sent her a questioning look, Maryam mouthed "sorry" and tilted her head towards the girl in Willa's seat.

That was when it had all changed.

As Willa looked at her best friend now, it seemed like they were still those girls in Professor's Sharpe's lecture hall. With Cyn the victor, Maryam apologetic, and Willa left out. It was a dance that would never end, Willa realized. It was a dance for only two partners  - and she would never be one of them.

Maryam registered the change on Willa's face and the line between her eyebrows deepened. "Willa, maybe if you just apologized to Cyn...?" she suggested.

Willa saw it for what it was - Maryam's last ditch effort to keep their not-so-cozy threesome together. To keep the status quo.

"It's just really hard to be in the middle," Maryam said, and it was really hard for Willa not to perceive it as a whine.

"So don't be."

Maryam's finger traced the rim of her tea cup and she wouldn't meet Willa's eyes. "You want me to choose?"

"It's not about what I want." It never has been, Willa added mentally.

"You're being so selfish right now," Maryam said angrily. "Cyn would never tell me to choose."

"Because she doesn't have to!" Willa's eyes smarted with tears. "I am sitting here trying so hard to hold on to you and you're...." she flailed, running out of words.

Maryam ran a hand through her hair in frustration and Willa followed the movement, remembering how not so long ago her fingers had touched Maryam's and she had stupidly thought they had come to a truce.

"You don't realize how hard it is for me to always mediate between the two of you," Maryam said, not without some bitterness.

"You can't always be torn in two," Willa said quietly. "You can't always not choose. Because that's choosing, too."

In the space between Willa and Maryam, there lay over six years of friendship. Six years of Maryam playing the role of supportive best friend - but only when Willa needed support. It had taken Willa this long to realize that maybe Maryam needed her more than she needed Maryam. Her friends wanted her to fit neatly into their lives in the role they chose for her. They didn't know what to do with a Willa who didn't fall in line.

Maryam would never choose, Willa realized now with a singular, devastating clarity. Maryam wasn't the type to draw a line in the sand and stand on one side of it. She would walk the tightrope between Willa and Cyn forever, if they let her. She looked upon the face of her best friend, a face she had loved so well in the last six years, and she knew that Maryam would never commit to one because it would mean losing the other.

"I don't even recognize you anymore, Willa," Maryam said, as if she couldn't think of anything else to say. Her eyes were wet, too, and frantic with desperation that she was probably finally beginning to feel - as if they were about to take a wrong turn somewhere which they couldn't come back from.

Willa had changed in the past few months - not a lot, but enough to make a difference. Enough to know what she wanted and where she belonged. Change was hard, yes, but not as hard as staying somewhere where she didn't belong. She reached out and put her hand on the table, holding it palm up for Maryam to take.

Maryam looked more scared than Willa had ever seen her but she put her hand in Willa's with a trust that made Willa's heart break all over again.

"Maryam," Willa said, trying to keep her voice from breaking, "maybe the reason you don't recognize me is because we aren't friends anymore."

Before the pain wouldn't let her legs stand up straight, Willa tugged her hand free from Maryam's suddenly limp hold and dropped a ten dollar bill on the table. "I love you like my sister, Maryam. But," she took a deep breath, "I can't do this anymore. I would rather lose you than lose me."

"I don't even know what that means," Maryam said, a single tear-track winding its way down her olive skin.

Willa just smiled at her. "Bye, Maryam." And then she left as fast as she could without breaking into a run.

Only when she got to the car did she let the first hysterical sob leave her lips. Her fist banged against the steering wheel as she thrashed and finally succumbed to her mental exhaustion by slumping over the wheel and letting her pain escape in short gasps that set her throat aflame.

I did the right thing, Willa thought as she wiped snot from her nose and without thinking, used the same hand to wipe her eyes. I did the right thing and I am so sorry for it.

Author's Note: my poor bb Willa :( I hope you guys have an awesome Christmas and hopefully don't sniffle too much when you read this chapter! Let me know your thoughts! xx