Take Back

Chapter Four

*Tommy's POV*

What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you say that? You know you don't care about that anymore! You're such a bitch—that's what bitches do. They hurt the people they love for no reason because they think it'll make them feel good. So, did it work? Do you feel better now? Are you happy to see how much pain and regret you threw Adam back into when you said that? Do you feel like a big man now?

I stare at myself in the mirror, throwing insults at myself in my head.

Look at you. You're pathetic. Adam comes to you, saying that he wants you to move back with him and you end up sending him a big fat reminder that he accidentally hurt you, and sending him back into that cloud of depression you saw in his eyes after you said it? You really felt the need to hurt him that bad? Since when do two wrongs make a right, Tommy? You know better than that. You love him, for god sakes.

I bite my lip and blink my eyes rapidly to let the tears fall down my cheeks.

"What have I become?" I whisper to my reflection, watching the water slide down my face in a numb personification of my defeat. I'm a terrible, terrible person.

How could I allow myself to just say that to his face with such malice and no remorse? I don't understand why he was crying for me. I'm not worth it. What kind of person does that? I mean, I can't even think of anyone who's done that to someone they keep so close to their hearts. I understand that I was stressed out, hurt that he (rightfully) called me a cheater, and that I was quite upset from all the yelling and tears, but does that give me a right to call him out on something that caused all this pain, that caused him to want to kill himself? No, I had no right to do or say anything even remotely like that.

Why the hell did you say it then?

"Because I'm weak," I breathe silently, gripping the edge of the sink so I don't fall over. "I'm a weak coward, I'm a cheater," I spit at myself, scowling at the face in front of me.

That's a face of a useless excuse of a boyfriend, of a friend in general. I reach up to my face and claw my eyes with the pads of my fingers. I rub furiously at them and all over my face, but as I take them away, it's still the same face looking back at me in the glass; it's still the same person that hurt Adam. I turn on the tap with cold water and splash it on my face, not bothering to mind my hair.

Actually... I rummage through the drawers under the sink, looking for scissors. In one of the bottom ones there was a pair, and I smile emptily at them. I take a hold of my hair and stretch it out so that it's tight against my scalp. I open the scissors and place the blades about an inch or two from the end, and snip, I let my fading black hair fall to the floor. For a moment I feel exhilarated and freed of something, but then the more I stare at the dead, little chopped pieces of my locks I start to frown. I lean down and scoop up the hair in my hands, throwing it into the garbage can.

What, did you think that just because you could change your hair it would change you?

I look at myself in the mirror once again, and sigh heavily. I don't look absolutely terrible, but it's awkwardly straight across my face so I vertically take the scissors and attempt to taper my hair like I've seen a hair stylist do on TV. It's not half bad, and I put the scissors away before I get any ideas again. That was stupid. That was really, really stupid. I remember the water is still running and hastily shut it off. Then there's a silence that swallows me again.

Adam loves you. He really only wants what's best.

"Nope, not going to fall into that anymore," I say to myself again, trying to convince myself that I won't go down his path again.