90s Queen Bee #Wattys2016

Chapter 18 - Dolly Doctor

                  

1998

'Earth to Sammy!'

Mei-Ling's chipped black fingernails snapped in front of my eyes and Penny's teenaged face frowned at me.

'You spaced out for a second,' chirped Bec as she munched on Cheesels.

'I'm paying attention,' I murmured. I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of my living room wearing Bart Simpson silk boxer shorts. I was surrounded by magazines and sleeping bags while Single White Female played on the VCR. I remembered how we used to rent psychological thrillers from Blockbuster on Saturday nights and watch them while talking about boys who didn't talk to us. We didn't have parties to go to or boys to go to the movies with, so we kept having the same type of sleepovers we had when we were 12.

I hadn't time travelled back to rehearsals after all. Either Thora's advice was shit or I hadn't done it right. How could I ask what day it was without sounding like a moron? Again, I longed for my iPhone.

'I was just about to read the next Dolly Doctor question.' Penny squirmed impatiently with an issue of Dolly magazine poised between her fingers.

Oh wow, Dolly Doctor – our only source of information about how to insert a tampon or what that white discharge between periods was. This should be a laugh.

'Dear Dolly Doctor,' recited Penny with a giggle. 'I have a burning sensation when I pee.'

'Ew!' exclaimed Bec. 'She's probably got an STD!'

'It's probably just a UTI,' I said breezily with a wave of my hand.

The three of them looked at me in surprise. Did I sound too much like an all-knowing 34 year old? Oops.

'What's a UTI?' asked Bec.

'A urinary tract infection,' I replied.

'Double ew!' Bec shuddered. 'That sounds gross!'

'It is a urinary tract infection,' marvelled Penny as she read Dolly Doctor's answer. 'How did you know? Did you read this without us? You're not supposed to do that!'

'Um... you caught me! Sorry guys.' I had to keep myself in check. I wasn't supposed to know what a UTI was. I distinctly recalled the moment I'd found out they even existed. I was 20 and convinced that a razor blade was trying to make its way out of my vagina. I hoped sex-ed class had changed since 1998. I really would have benefited from a class for the girls that taught us not to freak out if we ever pissed blood. If I ran a sex-ed class, I'd definitely warn the young girls about UTIs and advise them to pee after sex.

I wondered what the timeline was here. How long ago had my fight with Robin been? I noticed that I wasn't wearing a bandaid anymore.

A distant snap distracted me from my thoughts.

'What the hell was that?' screeched Mei-Ling, her eyes darting around the room.

'I didn't hear anything,' said Bec.

I knew what it was.

I marched over to the bookshelf and shoved the Funk & Wagnalls encyclopaedias out of the way. Sure enough, there sat a bright yellow boom box. The snap was the sound of the record and play buttons popping up as the cassette tape ran out.

'Ben!' I yelled as I ejected the cassette. I made a show of ripping the tape out so it floated to the floor like streamers.

'That little brat was recording us?!' shrieked Mei-Ling.