Month 20.
Phillip would say one thing but do another. I was becoming extremely depressed and unhappy.
One day, I guess out of despair and wanting to speak with him, I decided to asked Phillip for the money that I had loaned him when we were in Miami. I know it was petty, but I was pissed and needed a reason to speak with him. I waited purposely until almost 5:00 p.m. and caught Phillip on his way downstairs to his car.
"Phillip, don't you owe me something?" I asked.
Phillip looked at me questionably, "Owe you what?"
"You know, my thirty dollars. Does that ring a bell?"
"Thirty dollars?"
"Yes, the thirty dollars I loaned you in Miami."
"Oh, I came by your office a few weeks ago to pay you. I guess I forgot."
"I'm sure you did," I sarcastically replied.
Phillip snapped at me. "Torah James, I would never stiff you for thirty dollars."
He was extreamly agitated. I always believed that making love brought two people closer together, not drove them apart.
Phillip took out his checkbook and angrily wrote me a check for thirty dollars and shoved it into my hands.
"Phillip, can we please talk, I would like to talk to you, please."
"NO! NO! NO!" He shouted as he got into his car and rolled up the glass on the driver's side and drove off.
I stood there with tears in my eyes and the check in my hand. I looked down at the check Phillip had just written. My mind flashed back to the last conversation I had with Morris just before he left me for Jimmy:
I was sitting there on the couch in our apartment attempting to absorb what Morris was saying. My mind was paralyzed and the tears streamed down my face.
"Torah, I am leaving you," he said, "and I'm not coming back."
"Morris, we have a baby. I need you and she needs you. Why? How can you leave us and just walk away."
"Torah, I don't want to hurt you. I love Jimmy. For years, I have tried hard to hide and deny who I am. I can't anymore. Jimmy satisfies me in all ways. I love him and we are going to try to make a life together."
Morris walked over to the kitchen table and hurriedly wrote a check. He brought the check to me and placed it in my hands.
"Torah, this check is for you and Alarah," he replied. "It should be enough to get you to Mississippi."
I looked up from my crunched position, with hurt and pleading eyes.
"Morris, ple . . . ase don't leave," I pleadingly sobbed. "Can we please talk about this?"
"Torah, there is nothing to talk about. Jimmy is waiting downstairs in the car and I'm not going to keep him waiting in the cold."
My mind refocused to the present. I once again looked down at Phillip's check, seeing but not seeing it. Tears flooded and impaired my vision.
I walked back into the building, upset and nervous. Phillip had never yelled or snapped at me before. I was afraid. I tore up the check and threw it into the garbage can.
For three days I called into work sick. I wanted to give Phillip a chance to cool off. I did not want him angry with me. While I was at home, I decided to write Phillip a letter telling him how I felt about him and the entire incident that had transpired with the thirty dollar check. I blamed myself for the entire situation. If I had never asked for the money back, none of this would have ever happened. I had only asked for the money back out of spite and desperation to speak to Phillip.
