I began to accept the fact that I was human and had made a tragic mistake. I attempted to use Phillip to fill a void in my life. Something was missing from my life long before Phillip entered the picture. Phillip could see that when he first met me and used that missing element in my life to gain my trust and respect. Phillip often said that he could easily read me – like a book. Maybe he was right, if I was really that transparent, then Phillip knew what to say and do in order to win me over.
Through therapy and finally listening to my daughter, mother and friends, I began to slowly accept the fact that I was not a bad person. I learned how to love and care for Torah, to avoid destructive relationships and to walk away from existing relationships that were unhealthy. Phillip was very unhealthy for me, he drained me emotionally and physically, and in the end, my association with Phillip made my life a living hell.
As I learned to deal with my own insecurities, I began to understand that I did not need Phillip or any other man to affirm my femininity or professionalism in the business world. I learned that my opinions and feelings matter, and that it was not how Phillip viewed me, but how I viewed myself that was really important.
Moreover, if Phillip did not want to have anything else to do with me, then it was O.K. That was Phillip's right, and I could not change him or his behavior. The only person's behavior and feelings I had any control over were my own. I decided to take back the power that I had freely given to Phillip, and place it back in its rightful hands – mine. When I finally took control over my life, behavior and actions, I stopped hurting and stopped reacting to Phillip's actions.
As time went on, I began to see Phillip Sanders as a person who was neither all good or all bad. I began to see and accept Phillip for who and what he was, just a man who happened to have a little power and money, who misused his power and money to control and hurt others. And in time, I realized that on this train ride of life, you will encounter all types of men both good and bad, and moreover, you cannot categorize all black men who ride on the train as dogs, whores or deceivers.
It's funny, when I stopped begging Phillip for his precious time and friendship, he started coming around. Phillip would even flirt and throw out bait and hints indicating that he was interested. I never took the bait. Indeed, until I left DPS, Phillip and I had a strictly professional relationship.
It felt good for a change to be the one doing the ignoring. I guess it bruised Phillip's ego when he finally realized that he could no longer pull the strings and have me respond.
