Lost In Lust

Abstinence

Since I can remember, abstinence has been a large topic for church-goers. I grew up with church in my life and I enjoyed attending services majority of the time. It was like most things of course, some days you just couldn't bear it; kind of like those days when your child's puke just wasn't cute anymore. For those times that I did thoroughly enjoy it though, it was like having a second family to go to. We would have: our regular service, Sunday school, coffee hour, special dinners and events, and we even had a gymnasium; fully equipped with a basketball court and even allowed for a volleyball net to be setup. Life growing up with church was good. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way for myself and I was thankful that my mother forced me to go – in the beginning anyway, after a while I did look forward to it.

For many years it was a routine, a place of friendships, activities, learning, responsibility– a home away from home – something so comfortable and safe that children were always laughing and playing as they learned about the bible.

I was one of the older children whom attended church and so I felt that there may have been some pressure on my shoulders to lead as a good example for those younger than myself. I had to watch out for the little ones as if they were my own and remember that when it came to the donut eating contest, I should let someone else win at least once.

The family grew however, as my church mingled with others at large gatherings and I became aware that I wasn't limited to the three, or four families that I conversed with on a regular basis. I never felt segregated for what I believed in because there were always others who embraced what I had myself. To have what you think is a small family and then realize there is an even larger one, is very... reassuring I guess. It's difficult to recall every feeling that I had when I was younger, but the memories are still there and I hold my head high knowing that I am a good person.

Church didn't make me a good person, my environment did; the people, their actions, my parents, their actions. I have been very fortunate in my life, but it eventually comes to an end. People move away, people pass away – peacefully in their sleep preferably –and sometimes you meet new people, who sometimes have a hidden agenda, or don't realize that their demons deep down haven't truly been dealt with. They've been in denial for so long that they suck you right in; whether they mean to or not, that's hard to say. And when you try to tell them they are damaged you sound crazy for telling them the actual truth.

I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of and I don't wish it upon anyone. We are all in this together and we should treat one another with dignity and respect. One should not be offended by the offerings of another. If I offer myself to you, whether I am a shoulder to cry on, or a diary to confide in, accept me instead of lashing out. Inner peace can sometimes be hard to come by, but one who is living a lie will always lash out because they are never going to be at peace deep down. It has taken me some time to realize this, as I too was once unable to have complete inner peace. For once in my life though, I can honestly say that I am.

Reminiscing about the past, I can see the good, the bad and even the ugly. I also see the value, experience, knowledge and growth among it all. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes you never truly know the reason behind something until you forgive yourself for letting it happen. I believe that is the first step to inner peace – not to forgive the other person for their actions towards you, but to forgive yourself for allowing the situation to happen – then maybe you can let go of the hate that consumes you.

When you think about something that upsets you, you are wasting valuable time by letting anger build up from it. Looking back at situations, or people that upset you, take what you can from it – be it positive, or negative – and then remember how much time you wasted. Think about how much time you not only wasted, but what happened to your life. Did you binge drink your worries and pain away? Did you resort to drugs? Perhaps sex? We all have our ways of dealing with things, but sometimes what we think are solutions, actually hinder our recovery.