Lost In Lust

Yes, 'Mastur'

Masturbation is sometimes a hot topic – no pun intended. We speak about it in conversations as if we were talking about rainbows and puppies. It has become so common in our daily life that most people don't take it seriously at all. I'm not saying that masturbation is bad; sometimes it's actually very handy – again, no pun intended. Getting yourself off is much better than using someone else to make yourself feel better. Whether you're fucking someone in their moist hole, or getting a [dick] slid into your moist hole, sometimes it's just another piece of yourself that is falling to the wayside. Giving yourself to multiple people can be draining and confusing. I don't mean several people over a long span, I'm referring to those who need someone new every week. Why though? You could answer this question yourself – I know I could surely speculate. From what knowledge I'm privy to, those who need to be with someone all the time aredamaged. There's no nice way to say it, but that's what they are: broken. They are missing something, so they try to fill [a] void with sex. No one ever tells you that it isn't healthy because you are too ashamed to talk about it, or the environment that you are in has people in it who are exactly the same.

Not wanting to leave your house unless it's for a date, or sex, is not healthy. Being cooped up like a sex doll is demeaning if you ask me. I'm going to stay at home, smoke some weed, play with my cat and watch movies all day until my fuck buddy texts me. A lot of the time, it's not a fuck buddy, sometimes it is someone new who just so happens to give you a little bit of attention. You don't need it. I never did growing up, so why do the majority of people nowadays feel the need to have it? I wanted to be loved and accepted by my friends and family, but I never wanted sex to make me feel like a complete person, or confident person. As a human being, you are complete, regardless of how many fingers, or sexual partners you have. Confidence on the other hand, comes from within. Your ego should not be fed by an intimate encounter. Your ego should lay dormant and let your good personality lead the way.

Learning to be alone and appreciate your own company will not come easily. I've been there, it does get lonely at times, but once you realize that happiness comes from within, it's a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, being social is necessary for you to partake in society and hold a job, but being social involves talking, not fucking each other's brains out.

I'm sexually active with my current girlfriend. Even before her I was having sex with women, sometimes several in a short span after a rough breakup where I was grasping for the love that I so longed for. It was short lived thankfully and I didn't fall into a pit of despair. Luckily I met people who just wanted to get laid because school was stressing them out and everyone was on the same page. Yes, it sounds hypocritical at times when I speak about doing the right thing, but how do you think I figured it out? Making mistakes should generally lead to enlightenment and learning not to do certain things again. That's not to say that everyone needs to make the actual mistake to know it's bad for them; people should be passing on their knowledge to others to prevent history from repeating itself.

Taking a deep sigh, I feel the need to tell you about a time when I fought temptation while dating my girlfriend. We were both in university at the time and we had a long distance relationship going on – for more than three years I might add. Both of us were trying to obtain our second degrees – was it worth it? Probably not. Our relationship however, was worth every penny. I would drive to London to see my girlfriend every time I missed her, or she missed me; sometimes I'd even get there and be so tired that I would literally just sleep next to her without much physical contact.

Sex was definitely a part of the relationship, but since we didn't see each other that often, I would become rather horny – as would she of course. A buddy of mine would always visit me while at work and show me photos of girls he was talking to – some of which were not safe for work I might add. He never sent them to my phone – he wasn't that type of guy – but he did make it a habit to rub them in my face. It pissed me off actually, to the point where I wanted to smash his phone. We are all sexual beings: by that, I mean that we engage in it for pleasure, sometimes just for fun and regretfully when we are bored as well. I loved my girlfriend and I would never cheat on her, but I was as weak as the next man when being teased.

One day at work after my buddy had left, I found myself standing in an empty book store – it had been family run since I could remember. We made enough money in the beginning, but as time went on, the rent became rather high. Stores around us were closing left, right and centre and we were on the cusp of moving to a new location until my dad decided to retire and close up shop altogether. It was lunch, so I locked the front entrance, flipped the sign over telling people I'd be back in thirty minutes and then went to the back for my lunch: asparagus, sweet potato and pulled pork – my favourite.

Sitting down in the comfy, yet old and squeaky lunchroom chair, I found myself looking at my phone and wanting to download the dating app that my buddy was using to try to pickup women. Even if he wasn't having great success, I might get some provocative photos sent my way as well to help curb my needs. Selfish of me, I know. In the end I couldn't bring myself to do it. As the timer on the microwave went off, I pulled my food out and let it cool down before wolfing it down with a plastic fork.

Ten minutes left. I stared at the clock, leg shaking – that was how you could tell I was horny as fuck. I clenched my teeth as my leg shook uncontrollably and the urge to take a peek at someone else's rack came over me. It wasn't cheating, but what if the girl offered to see me at work and I lost all self control? Devastation is what would rip through my heart. I wasn't about to go down that path. I had my recovery sex partners when my first girlfriend left me, but that ended horribly and now I had a clear conscience. Screw that, fuck that shit, I thought. I'm not going to let sexual needs ruin my relationship. I would see her on the weekend, hold her, caress her face and smell her sweet perfume. It wouldn't be the same without it if I were to trade what felt like a lifetime for what could potentially be ten minutes, or less. I was better than that.

Grabbing my phone, I went to the washroom and pulled my dick out of my pants. Searching through my phone, I found the pictures of my girlfriend in her white, one-piece lingerie outfit. We had just returned from Florida, so she was rather tan and the white outfit popped against her skin. I knew what was underneath and I imagined her perfectly round nipples and her clean-shaven pussy as I began to jerk myself. Physically, she wasn't there, but the connection I had by staring into her green eyes on the screen made it feel like she was. I closed my eyes momentarily as I imagined her mouth on my dick. Knowing I was short on time, I moved over to the toilet and lifted the seat with my foot. Minutes later I was imagining her hair in my hands as she sucked the cum out of my dick. Blowing my load all into the toilet bowl, I felt the urges release from my body. It was all over and I didn't have to cheat. Her photo was still lit up on the screen and I smiled back at it knowing that she was worth more than all the girls willing to give me what I needed: a temporary fix.

Love is about connection and lust is about primal needs. Sure, you can fuck anyone and feel the same pleasure you would with someone you love, but pleasure is still temporary. Pleasure doesn't last all through the night; memories, scents and happiness do. When did we become so fucked up that temptation was nine times out of time most likely to win? I couldn't put my finger on it as I cleaned myself up and then went back out to unlock the front door again. Returning behind my counter to look around at all the books nobody was going to read, I thought about how strong one must be in this new world. People loved differently back in the day. My parents weren't the greatest example of course, but there were plenty. Couples having anniversaries that surpassed some people's entire lives is what danced in my mind as my body relaxed and my leg became still as if I shot myself with a tranquilizer dart.

Sex can be good and sex can be bad, but to have the power over it so that you can do the right thing – the morally right thing – that makes you the master.