Love Is Stupid |✓

|18|

"Sorry can never be enough for everything I did. But I do want you to know that I never regretted kissing you. It's one of the best things that happened to me. But if I do regret something... it's just... I regret the time I chose." Your voice was low, barely audible, but I heard it. Every single word of it.

And I didn't know what to make out of it. Should I say that it was okay? Should I say that I agree? That I thought you were wrong? Or should I just keep my mum?

Losing Miles was indeed a tough blow. It shattered me, changed me into someone who found love so worthless and stupid. I became bitter and dull. Losing him made me feel so worthless and just plain despicable. What kept running in my mind that time was the fact that I was a horrible person - horrible enough for him to run away and never look back. I hurt him, though not intentionally, I still knew in my subconscience that I didn't try my best in reaching out to him.

But losing you was another story. It provided me with both relief and agony at the same time. Relief, for I knew that I couldn't bear the thought of sharing the same room with you. And agony, because I took comfort in you. You were like that soft pillow that would catch me when I fall onto the ground. You always cushioned the blow. And until then, I wouldn't have realized how dependent I was on you.

I didn't know what to do after that bright Saturday morning. After that kiss, guilt ate me up whole. I was guilty because Miles caught you kissing me, I was guilty because I was one of the many causes of our break-up. I was guilty because I knew then, the moment your lips touched mine, that I still had feelings for you. If my conscience wasn't that big, I wouldn't have pushed you away. I would've savored the feel of your soft lips against mine. And that made my guilt double its size. So I did what I could. I put all the blame on you.

Now, here I was, sitting beside you on this wooden bench without proper words to say. I shouldn't have ditched class, if I'd only end up saying nothing at all.

"You don't have to say anything," you said, your voice strained.

Yes, I don't have to. But, should I say something for my own peace? Should I tell you that I tried my best to stop my feeling by hating you? Should I tell you that I was hurt when you told me that you liked me, but ended up carrying Ruby's books?

Could I tell you that I missed you so much that it hurt. It hurt a lot, Jason.

We just keep running in circles. You reach-out for me, but even before you could even grab my arm, you'd already walk away. Defeated and afraid that I would slap your hand away. Then, I'd long for you as you enjoyed Ruby's company, then when I thought you finally have forgotten about me, you'd come back to me again.

What should I do? I miss you, but you were with Ruby. I wanted to forgive you - to forgive myself, but the thought that I hurt Miles kept eating me. Should I tell you, that I've been thinking if should finally move on, and try things with Toby?  Could I really tell you that being with you would make me happy, but guilty at the same time?

Could I, Jason? Could I tell you that I wasn't that strong to take that risk? Could I even be with you in the first place?

I pursed my lips tightly together and pondered on everything that happened over the year, until one thought popped in my mind. One thought that I hoped, just didn't make its self worth remembering at all.

"Are you back together with Ruby?" I faced you squarely, my brown eyes searching your bright blue ones.

I expected you to sigh, run your hand through your blonde hair, and just walk away. Seeing that there was no point in trying to go after me, since I wasn't making it easy for you. I, myself was pretty much confused on what to do.

But instead of doing what I assumed you would, you looked into my eyes, with an intesity so strong that it nearly took my breath away and knocked me of my seat.

"No."