Love Is Stupid |✓

|19|

People say that there would always come a specific moment in your life, where a single word would shake your world. It may be in a good way or for those less lucky-ones, in a more depressing note.

When you said no to my question about you and Ruby The Red-head Nerd, I couldn't make out what to feel. It was like in that certain moment, my heart and brain coincide with eachother, and decided to feel blank.

No words nor sound came out my mouth that was clamped shut. No eye-twitching or any of my signature eye-rolls. Just me in my total blank state.

It took me a couple of minutes of just staring at you blankly, until the word no made perfect sense to me.

"You aren't together?" I asked again, with a lot more stress on my words as if I didn't believe your first answer. Truth is, I didn't. I found it hard to believe.

You shook your head, letting out an exasperated sigh. You were probably already tired of me - of the situation we were in. I too, Jason, was already tired of it. Very tired.

"No, we're not. I-I don't love her," your first words were firm, fading out on the last syllables of your declaration. As if you just realized it yourself. Maybe it was not meant for me to hear, nor it was meant for you to say. But you said it still, and I heard it.

"Then why were you together back then?" My voice was low too, just above a soft whisper. I was confused, I was overwhelmed. A part of me felt happy that you didn't love her, and a part of me felt guilt for being happy that you didn't.

This time you tensed in your seat, turning to face me squarely. There was fire dancing and swirling in your bright blue eyes. Different emotions were swirling fast in them, and I knew it would burn me, but I maintained your stare. I let your fire wrap me.

"You told me to be with someone else Phoebe! I begged you to stay! I said we're gonna work it out together. I told you that if I had to follow Miles to Boston just so he could... I don't know, spit at me. Punch me. I dunno - I would. I'd fucking go after him, just for you to be with me! To ease that... that guilt. I'm desperately in love with you Pheobe. I love you so much. And there's no... no day or-or fucking minute - second in my life that I didn't regret ruining what we had.

"I was on my knees. I know my mistakes, but goddammit, Phoebe! Miles moved on! Why can't you let go? Why do have to keep pushing me away? And you know what hurts the most? Y-you... you fucking told me to go find a willing girl I can slam my dick into. 'Cause all I felt for you was... lust. I love you... but I was so mad, so I went out with Ruby. I was hurt that you didn't believe me. I," you shook your head, before looking at me shiny eyes, "I-I... why?"

Your words were like a thousand needles sinking slowly, yet deeply into my skin. It was painful - raw. I couldn't answer why. I just know that I wanted you gone before, because every time I saw you, I was reminded of Miles. I was reminded of the fact that somehow I wanted to be with you - that I was an awful person.

But seeing you with Ruby was like a slap in my face. I finally got you to leave, so why did it hurt? Why did it fucking hurt so much for the past whole year?

And Jason, I couldn't hold it any longer. I let out a faint sob, then I cried. I cried and I cried. You were supposed to hate me, to get tired of me for pushing you away. Yet, you pulled me into your arms, wrapping me securely, with my wet cheek pressed against your chest.

You hugged me tighter, you pulled me closer to you with ever sob. Whispering words of how much you loved me, of how much you cared. And this time, I didn't push you away.