A Shade of Cool

XXVI: A Friend In Me

No pain hurt more than the one I felt in my heart, stomach, chest and head. I had gotten home after a long walk through the snow, feeling my face go cold and my tears stain my frozen cheek. My clothes were dirty, my hair a mess and my eyes bloodshot. I had called Noah more than a hundred times. I had left him messages, texts and even wrote him on Facebook. But nothing. I was destroyed. Left alone. No pain hurt more than losing someone you love so much.

My Mom found me by the front door, I had no idea how long I had been there, I was in my own mind. Everything was non-existent in my head. I was completely hollow. The next thing i had known of that night was that I was in bed, shivering, clutching my covers around me and crying still. I hadn't said a word. Not to Mom, Marissa or myself. I just trembled and tried to keep warm, slowly drifting into a deep sleep. The night sinking down with me as I felt myself being pulled down the spiral.

I had replayed every image in my head; bus, Noah, Mom, sirens, kiss, Eric, Ana, fighting, boat, flowers, Avery, Stacey, the car, Kathy, the ball, the look on Noah's face. And once it was all played, I played it again; bus, Noah, Mom, sirens, kiss, Eric, Ana, fighting, boat, flowers, Avery, Stacey, the car, Kathy, the ball, the look on Noah's face. This was my dream for the rest of the night as I woke and slept, tossed and turned. Every part of me ached and my head pounded to the point where I could feel the vibration of it.

What did I feel? Humiliated. Angry. Worried. Stupid. I was humiliated that this even happened, that everyone saw this. We were exposed. I was angry that Eric did this, that he was right there and I never even hit him, I just let him go. I was worried for Noah. I was worried that everything had been exposed and how people would react. I was worried that the Armstrong's wouldn't speak to me again. I was worried that no one would speak to me again. I was feeling so much that it hurt.

I just kept replaying the scene as the memories faded from my mind. Me stood there stupidly watching as the video played on, shocked sounds and the expressions of confusion or anger. It was harrowing. And it was like a poor quality movie, the more I thought about it, the less detail I had. It faded each time I thought about the face, sounds and video. It all ran out of my mind but only one thing stayed; the doors slamming shut. That was one thing I couldn't retrieve from my memory. Everything was just hazy, grainy, low quality.

"I'm just stressed, okay!"

"I just need everything to stop for a second, you know? So I can just breathe-"

"Yes, I know, I know and I'm sorry!"

"I love you, I love you so much!"

"I mean, god, dude, I knew you were fucked up but... that? And you really thought you could take me on? It must hurt, to have everything you love taken away from you... shame."

I awoke to the beam of the light.

My body was now warm but my nose refused to smell, my eyes blurred and my head was still sore. I just laid there, convincing myself it was all just a dream and that I would wake up, find Marissa and Mom laughing and chatting downstairs, then Noah would arrive and we would go on a walk together and just be happy.

I turned on my side and took my phone from the side, looking at the screen.

Nothing.

My stomach turned and I decided to stay in bed for a bit longer. Staring at the white ceiling as I thought about what Noah might be doing now; explaining everything to his parents, making an excuse, hating me for everything? Could this be it for us? Will he no longer want anything to do with me?

I understood why he wouldn't, no doubt his Dad will have warned him from me and Noah would return to his high status life of never talking to me. The only issue was; could I deal with that? After everything we've been through, said and done, I doubted it. I doubted I could deal with not seeing him for a day let alone a month or year. Turning onto my side, I heard muffled voices from down stairs.