The Aftermath

nineteen

T/W probably.
blood... probably

"Life sucks without you Dan." says the same voice that has been by my side more than the others. I feel bad as I'm not sure who it is. He talks to me like we're best friends. sometimes, more than friends. But I don't know his name. I wish he would just be like "hey it's me ( insert name)" so i could maybe remember him. But i've had no such luck yet. I also have no idea how much time has passed, or if any time even has passed.

The boy sighs and i hear him leave the room. it was nice talking to you mystery boy.

I try my best to focus on moving my fingers. I always feel like im making progress, but the doctors have yet to agree with me. I hear a huge argument outside my room, before it moves in my room and more than one person is yelling.

"You HAVE to use the anesthesia! I will sue the shit out of you if you do not!" Whoa dad, clam down.

"Mr. Howell I understand your concerns. But we feel like this is the best way to see if Daniel will wake up." I could tell my dad was crossing his arms, and waiting for an explanation. "Sir, we know that mentally, Dan is awake. But his body isn't responding to anything we do. But there is no sign of permanent damage that suggest why that's happening! We feel like the best way to cope out a response is through pain. I know it sounds horrible, and it is. But don't you think that Dan doesn't want to spend the rest of his life, trapped inside his body?" Bitch you knew this whole time?! If i could move my body i would be rolling my eyes. When I wake up I'm coming after you first.

"You think I don't want what's best for my son? Of course I want him to wake up, but I don't want you going in there and cutting him open, whilst he's fully aware of it. It's inhumane."

"I understand Mr. Howell. But we might be able to get a physical response. It is up to you, but I strongly suggest no anesthesia."

"Might?"

"Yes. He could respond, he could just lay there. We don't know"

At this point in the conversation I was really hoping my dad wouldn't change his mind. I don't feel like feeling the pain of knee surgery, with absolutely no anesthesia. The thought was terrifying.

"Okay" Okay!? "Just... make it quick, or something." Dad?! I trusted you. THE ONE TIME i needed you to stand your ground in an argument.

"We promise he'll be in and out of the O.R. We wont drag it out, in hopes of him waking up." My dad sighed and someone, probably him, put their hand on my shoulder. I wanted to scream at him, and the doctor. Are you fucking insane?! But... obviously i can't.

~

It hurts like hell. The moment they run the scalpel across my knee, I wanted to run. That's all I could think about. I want to run away. From the pain, the loneliness, the oblivion. All of it. All the torture of not being in control of my body came crashing down on me, at once. Here I was, awake... but not awake, as I'm having my knee replaced. Quite arguably one of the most gruesome surgeries, due to what all they have to do.

"Doctor Hammel, look."

"I'm a little busy, but what?" I could sense the irritation in the room.

"Tears."

"He's crying? Oh my god he's crying. " For some reason this doctor was very happy to hear about my emotional state. what a bitch.

"Dan? Did you just say something?" Fuck, I don't know, but could you please just get this over with? "Doc I think this is actually working, his mouth is moving."

"Okay that's all fine, but we need to focus on the task at hand, please." yea bitch, worry about my tears and apparent moving mouth later, and fucking finish this surgery and give me lots of pain killers.