Little Darling

SIX

Six

Little Darling

I don't feel anymore. Or at least that's what I think. My thoughts and emotions are blocked by walls of self hatred and remorse. Of how I should've been there for you do how I should've known what was going on with you.

The last few before your death you would ignore me or just put a smile to fool me. I am ashamed to say I was fooled. I didn't see through you sooner. I wish I had and I could.

I mean the late night outs weren't you. And the bruises weren't you either.

I should have known because whenever I asked you would just laugh and say you were a growing boy, it was normal to have fights.

My god what a shitty sister I've been. After all what you've done for me. After all what you've given up for me.

I couldn't do the one thing I was supposed to do.

Care.

I deserve everything I am going through. I deserve mom's words of how much of a brat I am. Of how much of a selfish person I actually am.

Mom was right. She has always been right. I am nothing but self sentenced cynical girl who knows nothing but herself.

I deserve all the hate the world can bring. I deserve all the scars that I have brought on me.

But I am not breaking my promise to you. I am not going back to that time because no matter how much I hate myself right now I could never betray you by turning back to the razor.

I can't bare your disappointment. Even if you're gone. But I am scared.