Behind The Lens• Clexa AU

Chapter: 9 Coffee and the past

A/n Clarke and Lexa sipping coffee YASS. Also this song is how Lexa feels everyday. Please listen to it. This story means a lot to me because Lexa was partly the reason I learned to accept who I am, coming from a very judgmental Dominican family, seeing this beautiful strong commander who took shit from nobody inspired me to be 100% unapologetic when it comes to being me. This story is me continuing the Lexa legacy so please don't read if you will be messaging me after every chapter critiquing my sad and slow burn style writing. Also the whole anti-depressant thing.. I speak from
Experience . Your body gets a little weird after you don't take them for a couple of days.. After all it is altering the chemicals in your brain. Thank you and for those who constantly leave comments you make my day and inspire me to keep writing.

Lexa smiled to herself as she slid into the booth of the diner with Clarke. Her mind was still a little fuzzy and she found herself dwelling on a lot of memories and comparing Clarke to Costia.

They're both hot headed

Lexa said to herself as she looked through the menu.

 The air was thick. Both girls had so many questions to ask. Clarke was staring at her menu thinking of the conversation she had with Octavia. Well more like argument. Clarke was worried she had crossed the line with Lexa earlier and wondered if she should try and patch things up. Octavia insisted the girl perished a friendship with the writer, since she 'seemed lonely as fuck'.Clarke insisted things remain professional but Octavia made good points saying that it wouldn't hurt to keep things friendly, it would benefit both of them, they seemed to have a lot in common, the loss of a parent.Clarke really didn't need a lot of convincing.. Being Lexa's friend was something her teenage self hoped to be one day..Lexa cleared her throat. Studying the blondes face and breaking into a smile. "Looks like I'm not the only one zoning out" she said and nonchalantly glanced towards the waitress, waving to get her attention. Lexa was going to put away all her insecurities.. She was going to be the best version of herself. Even if the little voice in the back of her head told her to build up her walls, shut Clarke out and run.

Clarke couldn't help but smile at the sudden change in Lexa. The green eyed girl didn't smile often but when she did it was contagious. The blonde yawned. "I could really go for some coffee.. Been filming since forever!" Clarke said putting down the menu deciding. "I'm more of a tea person myself.. " Lexa said. The waitress came over recognizing Lexa first. "He- oh my god.. Hello my name is Jazmin and I'll be your waitress, it's an honor to- oh Jesus Clarke Griffin.. " she exclaimed enthusiastically. She collected herself and started again, "sorry.. What can I get ya" she said chewing her gum and running her hands over her apron.."Hey" Lexa said warmly.. And Clarke waved, chuckling softly.. "Uh may I please have some French toast, with a side of eggs, bacon and hash browns" Lexa continued realizing she was hungrier than she thought.. Must be the pills. Or lack there of.

Clarke's eyes widened at the amount and almost forgot she was supposed to order too. "Uh I'll take some pancakes.. Blueberry if you can.. With whip cream.." Clarke said taking Lexa's menu.. Her fingers brushed with Lexa's and she felt the rush she did when she held her hand earlier.. She didn't know if Lexa felt it too but it certainly looked like she did when her eyes shot up to Clarke. Clarke quickly passed the menu's to Jazmin."And to drink" the waitresses eyes sparkled as she looked up from her little note pad.

"Uh I'll take some coffee.. Lexa?" Clarke asked realizing Lexa was still watching her intently. "Oh uh I'll take some tea.. Earl grey if
You got some.." Lexa said looking down at her lap.. Blush evident on her face.

The waitress nodded and walked away painfully slow. "So Clarke.. I was wondering if I could pick your brain a little bit more about my book, I don't know if you heard but I'm being forced to write a sequel and am a little stuck on what concept I should go with" Lexa said while her hand found its place on her chin.. She leaned on it hoping to give the blonde her full attention. Clarke nodded, swallowing her questions for now.. "Sure.. What do you wanna know?" Clarke said, Jazmin came back placed their drinks on the table and quickly went away leaving them to their conversation. "Why do you think she went crazy" I said taking a sip of my hot tea.. It burned.. But maybe it would stop me from confessing what Alex did..

"Well.. The last sentence of the book was.. 'Alex walked through the doors of the police station.. Scratching at her veins and spewing lies. Just how Celia walked into her life. The girl di-" and it stops mid sentence. " Clarke paused. Lexa was amazed Clarke remembered the words to her story so well. "I always assumed she walked into the station because she did something.. Maybe hurt someone. The pain probably drove her to do it.. And the part about scratching her veins.. It made think about her self harming..punishing herself for what she thought she did. " Clarke's eyes held so much passion. She thought about this book a lot. It was there for her when she was a teen and it was there for her when her dad and fiancé died.

"You speak so greatly about my book. After I wrote it I was having a really hard time deciding whether I should publish it or not.. You kinda make me glad I did.. " Lexa smiles.. Biting her tongue. Clarke dug in her bag and pulled out the copy she carried around everywhere she went. She figured they were both being huge dorks so she might as well go all out.She slid the worn out.. Scribbled over, note covered book to Lexa. Her eyes widened at the book she hasn't held in about 3 years.. She smiled when she saw the cover was missing a piece in the corner. The pages looked like they were about to fall from being turned so much.. Most pages in the 756 page book had corners folded inwards. And many had doodles or little paragraphs written in the margins. The brunette couldn't help but feel a warmth in her chest. " I haven't touched one of these in so long" she breathed out. Feeling the spine of the book. All wrinkled and worn. "The way Alex talks about her love for Celia.. It's almost as she's addicted to her.. The idea of her.. In the beginning of the book, when Alex starts figuring everything out.. She talk about how much she needs it.. How she needs things to work between them because she's never felt that way about anyone before.. That's what drew me in.. That's what had me hooked.. It's also partly why I thought she went crazy.. That sort of need drives people to do things.. Bad things" Clarke's sentence drifted."So how did you feel about the ending.. Mid sentence.. Was that okay" Lexa mumbles genuinely interested in the opinion of the young girl. Clarke shrugged "I didn't understand it.. As an artist I liked it. But as a reader I was conflicted" she said with a small smile.

"You said.. My book helped you after the accident.. How?" Lexa pushed. She wanted answers and knew this wasn't the way to get them but she needed to know.. She needed to know if she was wasting her time and this girls was just another normal Betty who wouldn't understand her and judge her every chance she could.
Clarke searched Lexa's eyes for any malice.. And only found a look of desperation.. A pleading look behind her eyes. She let out a deep breath.. If Clarke was going to get answers from Lexa she would have to give some as well.
"It made me realize I was the problem. I was the reason both men were in the car with me.. They both had previous engagements and I practically forced them weeks prior to agree to come to that stupid meeting with me. The whole ride I was chatting and distracting them . I was why they died and I was the one that killed them and your book made me realize sometimes we're so happy we forget others exist. " Clarke said looking directly at the book. Lexa shook her head. "No no, Clarke no.. Those men loved you. That's why they were in that car.. They wanted to support you. You did not kill them. The driver did. This is not your fault" Lexa grabbed her hand and didn't realize the paparazzi were outside taking pictures.
Clarke smiled. Everyone had told her that. Everyone had said the same thing. But for some reason when Lexa said it.. She really wanted to believe it.
"I lost my parents, I was really young, yes, but it still hurt because my sister was the one that helped plan the boat trip in which they died.. I saw her blame herself for years.. And yeah it hurt me. But I didn't realize how much losing someone at your own Hand hurt till I lost someone special to me too Clarke" Lexa looked at their entwined fingers as she spoke.. Scared that if she looked up at Clarke's baby blues she would spill Her best kept secret.
"How did you deal with it" Clarke asked wiping as small tear that found its way trailing down her cheek.

Lexa moved to wipe another that made its way down. "I wrote" she smiled slightly and suddenly a million questions flooded Clarke's mind.