Tell Your Friends [Martin Garrix]

Chapter 9 | ✓

"It's going to be so exciting!" Lynn squeals getting into the car with me. It surely will be exciting. Two days, all alone in the real world and shit. It will be amazing. We would drink, smoke and have a whole load of fun. The best part is - Marcus is going with us. 

Sydney is sitting in the driver's seat, checking her phone for the last time before our departure. While she will have to stay sober and not sleep for a few hours, we will have fun in the two backseat rows and enjoy ourselves. I guess, it's her choice to drive and miss out on all the fun. 

We are all packed into a mini-van. I am sitting in the middle, right at the back, between Marcus and his friend - Brad. I wanted the window seat, but Brad took one of them and I can't really argue with Marcus - it won't end too well.  We have a huge cool-box with bottles of vodka, beer cans and many more alcoholic drinks, to make this trip even more exciting. 

The music plays loudly, as we drink one bottle after another. I smoke a cigarette, which Marcus gave me. The smoke is so satisfying, keeping me calm. It makes my brain switch off, making random visions appear in my head. Colours and flowers, just like as Sydney always had described it.

Marcus is hugging me, bringing me closer. He kisses me, making all of the smoke from his cigarette pass into my mouth. He bites my lover lip hard, but I can't feel pain. Something warm streams down my lip and chin. It's salty. Just a moment later, it's mixed with a bitter liquid which is alcohol. The taste becomes terrible, however I still swallow it.

Marcus laughs at me. 

We wake up in the motel, Marcus hugging me from the back. I guess, I just zoned out for the rest of the ride. His warmth passes onto me. I wiggle out of his arms, getting up and walking to the window. I smoke a cigarette, letting the smoke mix in with the cool, night air. 

I have always hated sleeping with Marcus, no matter how much I have pleaded and persuaded myself to do so. I have never found the thought of it somewhat attractive to me. It was always disgusting to me. However, I was never able to control it. Marcus is such a good persuader, always using his skill. 

It's so fucking terrible...

Shit.

I turn over, feeling an empty space opposite me. Marcus keeps on getting on my mind, even though there is no Marcus anymore. He is gone. Gone forever and he won't come back. I have to forget about him, leave him forever. 

How could I even do that? It's my fault that he died. He died because of me and there isn't any other reason for his death. There just couldn't be. I am such a bitch, I couldn't have done that to him. 

Tears stream down my face, as I think about him. Getting up, I notice a tiny note falling on the floor. I swiftly catch it and open it. 

Oh yes, it's all your fault.

I sit on the cold floor, looking exhausted. My head is running wild from thoughts and all the different possibilities. It is my fault - the note is stating the truth. I shouldn't have broke up with him, it was wrong. The breakup with Marcus was a wrong thing to do. It was wrong. 

I killed him. It's my fault that he died, it's my fault. I have made him die, it was me. It wasn't anybody, but me. Tears start streaming down my face, my head starts throbbing with familiar pain. I try hold back the tears, not show my weakness, however they won't stop. Crying was never an option for me, because it never solved the problem. 

Crying is showing  your weakness!

I press my head against my knees, seeking for protection or just some kind of defence. I want to get away from this, leave everything and go far away. A loud enough sob escapes from my throat, as I force the tears to stop, but fail miserably. 

Hearing someone creeping down the corridor, I raise my head from my knees. The door slowly opens and Martin nearly runs in, sitting down wth me and hugging me. 

"Why didn't you call me?" Martin whispers on my ear, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear. Shivers run down my spine. 

"I... I didn't want to wake you up," I stutter, coughing and brushing off the tears off my cheek. Martin's strong hands shuffle on my shoulders, making me face him and look into his deep eyes, which are shining in the pitch-black darkness.

His gaze is the only thing that makes everything inside me twist and turn, like they shoved every single organ inside me in a tumble dryer. Nobody, even Marcus was able to do that. Marcus only created fear and powerlessness inside me. He was never able to create the feeling of attraction, the feeling that you want to feel on and on, forever...

Martin touches my cheek, slowly running his fingers on my skin. Goosebumps run down my spine, making me shiver hard. He pulls me closer, into a warm hug. 

"Never do that again," he whispers, nearly silently just above my ear, although I can hear every single word he takes, loudly vibrating somewhere in my ear. "I am always here for you." 

"Thank... Thank you," I hug him back, trying to make the moment longer, stay in this second forever. I press my head into his chest, as I always do, hearing his heart beat calmly. Hearing him, alive - just from the inside of him. The vibrations of his breathing and his heartbeat - so real, right in front of me. 

"This is reality," I mumble to myself, trying to force the tears to stop. 

This is reality. This is all true, all happening right now and these thoughts are in my head.

Martin hugs me even harder, me feeling his warmth. His grasp isn't hard or painful at all, as Marcus would have done it. Marcus prefers to be powerful, prefers to be the one in charge of everything snd anyone. Martin is different - he is kinder and much more powerful than Marcus was. With his words, his touch...

"It will end." Martin runs his fingers down my hair. "Everything will be fine, it will end soon."

Soothing voice, making all of the nasty thoughts disappear somewhere far away, where nobody can find them. Hide in a dark wardrobe, which nobody never opens, because of the scary monsters inside it. My monsters. Everything that I try to hide, it's all there. 

All of the bad memories, which I would love to forget. All of the terrible mistakes, that ruined a part of my life. All of the people, that made me feel like shit. I have never forgotten them, they are just hidden far away, in that wardrobe. Trying to escape, see the daylight which is not allowed for them. Stick one finger out, but I fight them, I keep them there. In their place. 

Sometimes, they are able to escape. Walk through the house of my brain, making everything dark and creepy. Killing off the good memories, eating them up, making me forget. Forget. Forget about everything good that happened, forget everything. 

Just like it happens at night. The horrors come out, scaring me. Making me remember everything that happened and forget all of the good things. Dark visions come true, become a reality. They all get real, in my head, cover the reality, which I see with my eyes. 

"Please," I plead, "don't leave me." 

"I won't." 

I slowly get up, nearly falling down, Martin holding my hand to steady me. I fall on the bed, grabbing the covers right up to my chin. Martin lies right beside me, his hand holding mine. Closing my eyes, I fight all of the monster back into their dark wardrobe. 

Right where they are supposed to stay in.  

Falling asleep, I fight my monsters, together with Martin. With his help. He is real, he is with me, lying just beside me and holding my hand. 

I am not alone in this battle.