Loving Out Loud

Sweather weather

That was it. Matthew was quiet. He didn't say a word. I could just hear him breathing from the other side of the phone line. Funny thing about this shitty situation was that I haven't felt anything while saying those words. Maybe I had them in my heart and mind for so long, that they didn't even hurt anymore. Telling someone you loved for so long you don't want them in your life anymore should be painful, right? Actually, it was. It was painful for 7 long months. Because I didn't have the strength to move on. Even to admit those bad feelings to myself. And now, everything was gone. The feeling of guilt, the sorrow. I felt nothing. And it was strange. I just broke up with my boyfriend over the phone, for God's sake. And had that meme in my mind, when Batman kills Harvey Dent and goes like "Meh.".

-OK then.-

His voice brought me back from my thoughts.

-Honestly, I've seen you are not happy anymore. But I can't pin you down. You know I will love you, always?-

Still nothing. No tear, no sob, nothing. My throat is clear, my voice ain't shaking. Maybe I'm just heartless.

-I know Matthew. And I will always love you too.-

Yup, definitely heartless. I haven't loved him for a year and a half now. I've cared about him, of course, but haven't loved him.

He let out a small sigh.

-Wanna go grab a coffee sometimes? You're still my best friend, you know?-

-Sure. Anytime.-

I heard him sigh with relief.

-Thank you. Well then, talk to you soon. Bye-

-Bye, Matt.-

I assume you're asking yourself why he didn't try to convince me to stay with him. That's because he knew I was sure now. Sure in my decision. And, although it was always hard for me to make a decision, when I would make it, that would be definite. And he knew that. I've tried walking away so many times. But I've never could. Why? Because I had no one to go to. Until now. Now I had something worth fighting for. Someone, actually. And that 'someone' was Tom.