Loving Out Loud

Sound of silence

There are some things I would like to talk about. Everyone of  us has those moments when we think we have screwed up something in our past, real bad . Whether it'd be a relationship, a situation or a life decision, there are moments when we think that we were deleterious.

The doorbell rang. The door was locked.

But, in those moments we have to remember that, having that particular mindset we've had back then, the decision which was made was probably the best for us, in that time.

-Clara!- angry voice shouted from outside.

Having that in mind, we should remember, not the situation itself, but the feelings we've had. Looking from this perspective, the decision would probably look wrong or even stupid, but back then...

-Clara, I know you're inside! Don't make me break the door! Clara!-

So, when we look at the previously mentioned "mistake", as we call it now, we can see that our past self couldn't see the whole picture back then. Our past self was frightened of that thing, peeking from our soul and trying to see into the world of another person.

-Clara, darling... Please open the door. I can hear you sobbing, for Christ's sake!-

At some point we realize that the "mistake", as we see it from this perspective, was not a mistake back then, nor it is now. The thing that has happened, happened for a reason. The reason in the past being now small and shallow, unessential, was probably the major turn in our lives.

-Clara!- he shouted from outside, banging on the door. It was strange to hear that he's loosing patience over something as trivial as a locked door. Tom, who has always been calm, steady and conscious of other people, now shouting like a maniac: 

-CLARA OPEN THE GOD DAMNED DOOR!-

That thing, and that decision, shaped us as a person. It made us who we are today. And we are  an unstable, childish and fearful person now, because we haven't had the guts to do the thing we were supposed to do. 

-Stop.- I said in a voice just above whisper. Tom stopped banging and shouting.

-Didn't know you could become such a barbarian when you encounter the locked door.- I said unlocking the door. I heard him moving outside, he was probably even more angry after this stupid remark of mine.

-For God's sake, Clara, what does this mean?!- he asked as soon as he saw me, -This... This thing you did, that you've been doing the past few days... Why? Why would't you answer my calls, messages, anything?!-

He kept asking questions, while I looked at his pale face. He was really worried, and angry, and annoyed and... He was sad. He didn't know if he should hug me, or even touch me for that matter. I probably looked like trash, so it was expected.

-Clara?- he asked whispering. I looked him in the eyes. -Will you please tell something?- he asked, his eyes full of tears. I swallowed hard, and slightly nodded. Tom sighed, lifting my chin slowly with his long, cold fingers. His thin, pink lips moved as he whispered "So?", slowly coming closer to me. I looked him in the lips, and then traveled to his eyes. His eyes were flying all over my face, I could tell he was very worried. His thumb traveled over my slightly parted lips. His eyes were more blue than ever before. I took a deep breath.

Only when we accept that we are now, just as we were back then, guilty only of not being honest with ourselves, we can do the right thing.  

-I love you.-