I slept with who?

I slept with who? Shit, Your supposed to be a stranger!

Chapter one..

"Excuse me miss, but we've landed."

"Miss."

"Miss."

Someone shook my shoulder.

"Miss!"

"Hmmph."

"Miss!" Another shoulder shake.

"What!" I yell as I open my eyes to see a flight attendant shaking me. I look around and noticed I was the only passenger still on the plane. Oh.

I rubbed my eyes and sat up, wondering how long I'd been zonked out. I definitely needed to catch up on my sleep. Beauty sleep and the mandatory kind. Blah, I can already imagine the bags under my eyes and the drool stuck to my face. Yep, me, the beauty queen.

"Miss, you have to get off the plane now." The flight attendant said. Well more like growled. God, this bitch was annoying. And she wasn't even cute bitchy she was definitely ugly bitchy. Like really, really ugly. God, I got an hour of sleep and they sent this gargoyle to wake me up? No wonder I'm in a bad mood.

I take my time, getting up and stretching. Man I really, really hate planes. I was all stiff and probably will need fifty hours of sleep and a massage to feel myself again, preferably one from hot naked guy. But I suppose one with clothes on will have to suffice. After all I am in the states again.

Damn.

Well, now that I think about it, I probably could get a hot nude massage man but it'll likely lead to illegal activity and a shady part of town, If you know what I mean. Now I'm all for action and fun but that may be a little out of my league. Just a little.

"Miss." The bitchy gargoyle growls bringing me back to reality. I look over at the sore sight a few inches away from me. Man, she looks like one of those over-exaggerated witches at Halloween. Pale skin, almost greenish, huge nose with a mole sprouting hair at the end, and to top it all off! Behold the huge hairy uni-brow that takes up half her forehead. Ugh! Gross! Girl come on! Don't you have mirrors around this joint? There called tweezers! There not gonna bite you if you use them.

She looks at me meaningfully and motions for me to get off the plane. "I'm going, I'm going." I grumble at her as I get my bag from the top cubby and walk down the isle toward the plane door. Man, a few minutes in the states and I'm already cranky.

For the last two years I've been backpacking around Europe. It was my boyfriend, Deans, idea, but after only a few weeks in Moscow I caught him bumping uglies with some nasty skanky hooker. To say the least, I left to explore by myself. After, of course, I flipped shit on him.

I reinvented myself in Europe and now I'm back and totally not ready to face the real world again. I would have to do adult things like get an apartment and (gasp) get a job! The horrors! Being a big girl in the real world sucks! Especially since I reinvented myself and decided that getting a college degree in literature was completely and utterly useless. Total waste of my college years.

Back in college I was a gothic princess that loved to sit around drink beer and impress Dean with deep meaningful poetry. When I graduated at twenty one I thought my life was set in stone. Marry dean, my goth prince. Get a job writing poetry. Live happily-ever ( well as happy as gothics ever are) after.

HAH!!

About a month after graduation he shacks up with some trashy Russian hooker. That was like a big, hard slap in the face. After Moscow I went to Paris, Madrid, Rome, Athens, Barcelona. All the big wigs of Europe. (All by myself I might add!!) I lost my beer gut, got in shape, got tan, and died my hair blond. I was the official American barbie. Went from overweight goth with mangy died black hair and a beer gut that only belongs to a middle aged man (usually the pervy, hairy ones) to a little curvy number with the vixen spirit!

I learned how to approach the male species and I also learned that there are other positions then missionary. (DEAN!!)

Anyway......

So I'm kinda excited to see all my old friends. I wonder if they'll recognize the barbie version of me. I'm also, of course, dying to see my family. Ah, my family. When I left things were kind of wild.

Dave, ranking oldest brother at thirty one, was on his second kid with his wife Megan. The first little bugger was named Nick and was one of the ugliest babies I have ever seen. I mean the thing looked like an alien slash sea monkey. I only held it once, but my God, I had nightmares for weeks afterward.

Jared, ranking second oldest at the age of twenty nine, had supposedly knocked some bubbly ditz of a girl, up. Never actually found out if it was his since I left right in the middle of that drama.

Kim, ranking third oldest at the age of twenty five, just came out of the closet with her girlfriend Max. Which was a total shocker because she was engaged to her high school sweetheart, Alexander Reminfwellous (the third if you wanted to know). And she always acted like she was head over heals with him. (Hmm, maybe she should become an actress since she faked everyone out so good. You should have seen dads face when she told him she was gay, classic eye bulge, and in his case, a spit-take! It was so funny!) Guess it didn't matter that her and Alexander were high school sweethearts and have been for the last decade, in the end the relationship wasn't so 'sweet' and there definitely was no warm and fuzzy 'heart' in there when she came out.

Then there was everyone's favorite, me! Clara Anna-Marie Jackson( The first, in case you were wondering) I'm the youngest at age twenty three. I'm also the smartest, funniest, most awesomest daughter/ sister/ sex goddess in the whole wide world!

(And all of it is totally true, I'm not just saying that!!)

Then there was Derold. No, wait Derek? The little orphan kid my parents took in about two months before I left. He was a scrawny little teenager, with a bad attitude and even worse acne. God that kid was a little menace.

Supposedly his parents and my parents were best friends in college and still talked up until the accident. Car crash I think. Anyway, they deemed mom and dad the god parents and legal guardians if anything were to happen to them.

Well something did happen to them, and.....(wait for it).....

BAM!!!!

Another brother for me.

Blah!!

I only saw the little brat twice before I left but he seemed very angst-y and broody to me. Which of course I was totally fascinated with since, hello(!!), I was the goth princess back then.

Dah!!

Anyway long story short I got another annoying brother. Well, at least I didn't have to actually know this one. (You know since I only met him twice and the little twirp isn't actually my biological brother. Thank the lord! I don't need another one. Hell, I'll sell the ones I got for five cents, or you know I'll pay you to take one. Any takers? Going once..twice...three times....Damn!! Come on people help a fellow chick out!!)

With all that said, you may see why I'm just a tiny bit excited to see how everyone's lives turned out.

I mean, since mine turned out completely different then I thought it would maybe the family's did too. Dave could have had a semi cute not repulsive little baby, Jared and The Bimbo could have just had a scare and Kim was accepted with open arms to embrace her new found discovery that she was batting for the other teem.

And maybe the little orphan kid matured, got rid of his bad attitude and all that nasty acne. He could have even grown a little and not look so scrawny anymore. Maybe everyone's lives took a turn for the good side.

Right, when pigs fly.

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