Detention (Boyxboy)

chapter 12

I've never been jealous over another dude - I never had a reason to be. And I didn't wanna fucking admit it, but I was kinda jealous of that dumb-ass dude, Luke Block. B was looking at him the whole fucking time, looking at his dick and shit, getting hard and all that. Pissed me the fuck off. I shouldn't give a fuck. I fucking broke up with B so I wouldn't have to give a fuck. But now I realize that I do fucking care about him. I don't know how that shit happened, but it did. I never thought I'd find myself ever liking a dude - and not just liking him, but like really fucking liking him. Now I fucked everything up and B doesn't even want to talk to me.

At first I thought that was what I wanted. I wanted to go back to the way things used to be when I was just chilling to myself, free to do whatever I wanted with any body I wanted - but now that I got what I wanted, I see that it's not what I wanted. I'm such a dumb-ass. I fucked up on the only good thing I had for me - I fucked up on the only person that really gave a damn about me. And now I wanted him back.

After detention, when B walked away from me when we were talking I got in my truck and went around to as many bus stops as I could find, seeing if he was there. I didn't know which bus Brandon took to get home, which was the real fuckin problem. Twenty minutes later, I said fuck it and gave up. Even if I had saw him, he probably wouldn't want to say shit to me anyway. I drove around for about an hour, no place to go. I really didn't wanna go home, 'cause I didn't wanna see my fucking dad. If he said anymore shit to me about anything - if he looked at me the wrong way, or did anything to fucking piss me off like he usually did, I was gonna knock the shit outta him. The best way not to start shit with him was to not be at home.

I thought about going to Brandon's house. He should've been home by then, I guessed. I drove about halfway to his house and turned right around in the other direction. I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking. Instead I drove to the playground I took Brandon to that night when I told him that I didn't wanna see him for a long time. I went over to that same tree where I held him and told him that I didn't believe that love lasted forever.

Sitting there, against that tree, I thought about all the things I said to B, the way his face looked when I said all those things - how he looked so fuckin mad and disappointed and shit. I don't know why I said all that shit I said to him that night. I didn't even know if I believed most of the shit I said. I told B that I didn't want him to take us being together so seriously, cause I didn't want him to have all these expectations of me that I wasn't gonna be able to live up to. He wanted me to be his boyfriend, to love him...My eyes kinda stung a little, and I forced myself not to let a fuckin tear come out of my eye. I leaned the back of my head against the tree trunk, looking up at the orange sky.

Of any of the times we'd been together, I wished B was with me right then at that moment. Part of the reason why I broke up with him was because I was afraid that if I really believed that he loved me like he said he did, then I would start to really trust him and then I'd find out that he was just fuckin with me, and that he didn't love me at all. But I think he really did love me - and nobody's ever loved me...well maybe my mom - but she's dead. I never had somebody that was really into me, not just 'cause of my face, or my body or bullshit like that, but just 'cause they liked me. That night after I broke up with Brandon, I laid in bed that night, thinking about what he said to me on the swings: "I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the great person you are".

I thought about that again so more as I sat under that big tree, watching the day slowly turn to night. I felt alone, and I had brought that loneliness on myself. B kept coming in my mind, and I kept thinking about what we would be doing if we hadn't gotten into that stupid fight. Maybe we would've both been sitting under that tree together; maybe we would've been screwing or something. I don't know. Just being with Brandon was better than being alone with myself. Again I thought about going over to B's house and trying to talk to him about what I said before. Maybe he wouldn't listen to a fucking thing I said - but then maybe he would. I thought about it for a good ten minutes and finally decided that I was gonna go over to his house.