Disasterology (perrentes)

chapter 11

May 31

Ah, group therapy. The one part of my day that makes me feel less miserable than I am Not because we get all of our feelings out on the table but because Jaime mixed with Austin is hilarious. Plus, occasionally Tony's there. I learned he doesn't always have to go like the rest of us because of his anxiety. I can't say I understand his anxiety. People aren't scary, they're just assholes. I guess it can be hard to differentiate.

"Uh, anyways, I had a girlfriend, but my condition was too much for her to handle. It wasn't until the counting started up again that she finally broke up with me," Lynn said before looking behind her eight times and scratching her elbow seven.

"Seriously? It's just counting, there's nothing wrong with that. Lynn if you were straight I'd totally date you no matter what," Jaime said frustratedly. Lynn blushed and shook her head. Jaime had a soft spot for the slightly older girl whom of which he had a profuse attraction to. Unfortunately between her OCD and lesbianism he never did stand a chance.

"Jaime, I thought we agreed you weren't going to flirt with Lynn anymore," Jenna, the group organizer, sighed.

"I don't mind really, it's flattering. Sort of. Thanks Jaime, you always help," Lynn looked back eight more times in the other direction and scratched her other elbow the same amount the other.

"Well, I can't say I approve. It surely isn't appropriate for group. We're supposed to be opening up to each other. Do you understand Jaime," Jenna paused until he nodded,"We're going to be moving on now. Austin, you're getting out soon, aren't you?"

"Two months. Dr. Bated said that since I've stopped saying Alan, I could go live with my mom again," Austin said distantly. It almost seemed as though he was disappointed.  I looked over to Tony who stared at him knowingly. Hm, I wonder what that was about.

The group discussion goes on like this for a while. Jenna will ask as something, then we answer. A little bit of discussion follows and then we move on. Replies include Lynn being talking about her girlfriend breaking up with her, and then counting, Jaime making crude jokes and attempting to make Lynn laugh, Austin talking about Alan, Tony sort of mumbling in occasions, and me talking about existentialism.

"Okay, but Mike, that doesn't make sense. If everyone is supposed to find their own meaning of life, why do people flock to religion? I mean, wouldn't they realize their God doesn't have anything to say to them and wants them to live their lives? And at that point wouldn't they realize their God has no power? Like, God wouldn't control fate, which goes against most religions, so why would religion even be a thing?" Austin challenged.

"You know what I think?" I paused for anticipation. I was hoping everyone would lean forward in their seats. Sadly, no one for the cue, but I continued on anyways, "I think religion is for people with loose morals."

"Okay! I think that's where we're ending Group today. Good discussion today, but I'm hoping next time we won't go over any topics that might offend." Jenna cut in, ending today's session. As we all get up to leave, she calls Tony to stay behind. I watched for a second as they whispered to each other before I existed the room.

Now that my afternoon had cleared up, I didn't know what to do with myself. Jaime had back to back counseling today, so he had to report to Dr. Gaskarth's office. Austin liked to be alone in his room a lot, so I couldn't exactly hang out with him. Lynn usually went to visit some of the older residents who also suffered with OCD. I highly doubted Tony would want to be with me, so alone I shall be. There were worst things, honestly, but I did feel lonely here. 

I settled on taking a walk around the premise. Maybe, I'd pop by Dr. Gaskarth's later and ask if I could call someone. I still wasn't ready to talk to Jack, or at least make the first move in talking to Jack. Maybe I'd call Justin. I'd consider calling Vic but he's probably busy with the store or that boy he likes.

--

I walked down an unfamiliar corridor for what seemed like the millionth time since I've been here.  I'd been out of group for about thirty minutes now without anything to do. Usually I relied on Jaime for entertainment but he was still in therapy. I listened to my footsteps in the echoing hall as I closed my eyes. The walk was peaceful enough to make me feel dazed. Most of the time I didn't really feel here anyways, but it was nice to feel like I was sort of leaving my own body.

I didn't worry about running into anyone as most of the corridors were abandoned anyways. I was on a different floor from where most people stayed anyways. So I walked with my eyes shut as if no one and nothing could hurt me. Or I did until I felt myself being pushed backwards. I quickly opened my eyes to see Tony stumbling back into a room. I guess the hall wasn't as abandoned as I thought. From what I could tell Tony was walking out of the room as I was walking into it. I would've hit the door if Tony hadn't been my human shield.

He sat and stared up at me in shock. I stared down at him in shock as well. I snapped out of that though and hastily apologized. I extended my hand to help him up and he hesitantly obliged. At this point we were both silently staring at each other. I absorbed all of his features, from his tan skin to oaky colored eyes. I watched as his eyes went back in forth between watching mine, trying to decide which one to focus on. I felt the urge to reach out and touch him, I ignored it though.

"Well, uh, sorry again. I'll just get out of your way now," I apologized for second time before walking away.

My mind was racing as I continued my journey down the hallway. We touched. We made eye contact. I got to speak to him directly. It was strange to get a rush from that, but I did. It was almost as exciting to me as that night in the courtyard. How odd.

Continuing on with the many oddities today, I heard footsteps rushing being me and an almost unfamiliar voice call out, "Wait!"

I turned around to see Tony jogging behind me. I stopped my movement as he picked up his pace until he was standing next to me, "Where are you going?"

"Nowhere, really. I was just walking around before I numbed into you," I replied coolly.

"Oh, okay," he said. I had already begun walking again and be stopped momentarily before continuing on next to me. "Can I come with you?" he asked. I could hear his voice shake as he spoke, the pure nervousness he got out of asking a simple question.

"Yeah, of course," I said before we continued on silently. We walked on through the entire floor before he had to back to his room. The entire time he didn't say much when I asked him about himself. I mostly got a few worded answer, and maybe if I was lucky, a simple sentence. I didn't mind really though. I assumed it had something to do with his anxiety so I let it be. I filled the silence for the both of us and that was fine for me.