Disasterology (perrentes)

chapter 7

At that time in my life, I didn't want to do anything I had previously loved. I hated writing, I hated pot, and everyone around me. What I hated the most was the raven haired boy who I didn't hate at all.

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May 3

"All I ever want to do is break something. And those feelings that I had before are coming back just as strong, if not stronger. I want to find a knife and shove it into my chest. No amount of antidepressants are going to help me through this. Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character, but both of mine are pretty fucked up. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to breathe. I don't want to exist," I read quietly out loud to my therapist. He told me that writing the journal entry's would help me deal with my feelings and would help me get on the road to recovery but I'm not so sure. I think it just made everything worse.

"Mike, I want you to tell me about the first time you felt as though you didn't want to exist."

"Well, I was thirteen and in a really bad place at the time.... and just didn't want to be alive, I guess?" I said with a questioning tone.

"Could you elaborate?" Dr. what's-his-name requested in his stupid, monotone therapist voice.

"Listen, I don't see how talking about my feelings is going to make them any better. I've survived this long without them," I said. I got out of the slumped position I was in on one of the uncomfortable chairs across his desk and stood up.

As I began to leave he said, "How did that work the first time?" He had a triumphant look on his face, as if he had made an impact on me or something.

"It almost did," I smirked, referencing my attempt at it.

As I slammed the door I could feel my eyes starting to water. It was getting harder everyday to pull off the "I don't care" attitude. I cared so much and just a bit too much.

When I finally got up from my huddled position on the ground I saw the mute boy, Tony, staring at me. In any other occasion I wouldn't try to start a conversation, but what the hell. I mean, we've already talked before. "What?" I stammered with a wobbly voice.

"Uh," he hesitated, "are you okay?" he said quietly. Everything was quiet with him.

"Yeah, completely," I sniffled.

"Courtyard at ten?" he said barely audible. I could tell he was nervous just by the way he talked.

"Yeah," I replied quickly before walking off.

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May 8

"You so think he is hot, Mikey," Jaime laughed loudly.

Jaime and I were sat on my bed talking about visitors day and Tony, seeing as nothing much happens here and that was the most exciting thing yet.

Jaime smiled so much you could see the little creases by his pretty brown eyes. That was my favorite part of him. His eyes were really something else. They were real and what I saw in them was genuine. Just looking at his eyes you could tell he was a good person.

"Actually, Hime, he's a silent type of sexy," I smiled triumphantly. I was obviously proud of my horrible pun.

"That was just bad," He laughed and his grin just grew larger. He had one of those smiles that caused you to smile too.

Once the laughter died down Jaime spoke, "So... group therapy?" Of course he had to mention group therapy.

"I don't want to go, too many people getting touchy-feely," I sighed.

"Mike, you do realize there are only five people, including you, in the teenage group therapy sessions, right?"

"Wouldn't it be more efficient to make the group therapy sessions larger? I mean, this is a pretty big facility." I asked.

Jaime's smile faltered for a second but quickly returned, "Mikey, this place is big but it's not full. Group is so small because there is only five of us. Now come on, you're going." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of our room.

"But-"

"Shut up."

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"I guess, well, I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't get why everyone has to ask why. I mean, I do, I guess. But, I never bothered with the 'whys' of the world. I like to just let things be. Like, things are the way they are because that's just the way they are. When you think of it that way, there's nothing unknown," I said.  I fully intended on staying silent all of group, but Jenna does have a way of coercing you to speak. So here I was spilling my guts.

"Woah, that's deep, dude," Jaime thought out loud, causing a small smile to break out on my face.

"Hush, Jaime. Wait your turn to speak," Jenna spoke to Jaime and then turned to me, "Why do you think you prefer to think that way? What do you think prompted this?"

"I don't know. Just the way it is, I guess," I said looking at my sock clad feet.

Jenna looked around at the small group of teenagers and finally asked, "What do you think group? Why do you think Mike prefers this way of thinking?"

There was silence. Not for two long though, because a quiet, almost nonexistent, voice spoke, "Because that way there's nothing to be afraid of." I looked up to see Tony staring down at his feet. His face was flushed and he looked like he was going to vomit, but at the same time he looked... content. That brought a small smile to my face. I thought I was content too.

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Apparently, that was the first time he had spoken in group in months. That was the last time for another couple of months as well. He was slowly becoming comfortable just being in my presence and that gave me so much hope. Maybe even too much. I didn't really care either way though.

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Happy Valentine's Day. I've been doing geometry problems all day, how romantic.