Disasterology (perrentes)

chapter 12

June 25

It was five o'clock and the sun hadn't even risen when I woke. I stayed in bed, not daring to move. Jaime slept peacefully on the other side of the room. I listened to his calm breath, hoping it would slow my own. It had been a while since this happened. I couldn't move. I felt suffocated.  I tried to quiet my breathing as Jaime stirred, it didn't do much though. Now he was awake and sitting up. He was walking towards me and calling my name. I tried to call for him back, I couldn't. My head was pulsating and I felt lightheaded. Maybe I'm dying.

The next thing I know the lights are on and there's yelling. I'm not really clear of what's being said, but I saw Dr. Gaskarth run into the room. Jaime was watching from the corner, he looked worried. Dr. Gaskarth was sitting on my bed now, he was examining me. He was saying something, but I couldn't concentrate. My teeth hurt and my lungs burned. I needed to breathe. Dr. Gaskarth grabbed my face and looked me in the eye. I could faintly here my name leave his mouth. I watched as the words he spoke floated around his head, it made me feel funny, but I still didn't understand. Dr. Gaskarth was still holding my face, still speaking, still watching.

I looked away from Gaskarth for a moment. There were people walking in. Unfamiliar people. One of them handed Dr. Gaskarth a needle. I wonder what he was going to do with that. I guess I wouldn't find out because everything was becoming staticky and dark.

---

"It wasn't that big of a deal, Doc," I sighed. After I woke up again I had to go see Gaskarth for an immediate therapy session.

"Mike, the only way to get you to calm down was to sedate you. You don't think that's a big deal?" He replied with a lack of emotion. Well, not a complete lack, he did seemed pretty concerned.

"No, I really don't. It was just a simple 'oh shit, I can't breathe moments.' It really is nothing to worry about," I repeated. I had been repeating myself all day. This morning wasn't that big of a deal, it just wasn't. I don't understand why everyone was freaking out.

"Have you ever had one of these moments before today?" he inquired.

"No, not that I no of. It wasn't that big of a deal, as I said." Gaskarth frowned at that.

"Mike, do you know what a panic attack is?"

"Yes, I do know what a panic attack is. I'm not dumb," I said defensively. I wasn't going to let some doctor call me stupid because I don't agree with him.

"No one is calling you dumb, Mike. I'm just trying to help. It would be easier for the both of us if you complied, no? Just try to answer honestly," he sounded fed up with me as he spoke.

"Okay, fine. Ask away." I slumped back and my seat and shifted as he spoke.

"Good," he smiled," Let's start from the beginning. Do you know what triggered you panic attack? Maybe a dream, bad thoughts, something that was said to you?"

"No, no I don't," I paused. I had to genuinely think about it, but I was coming up empty, "I was asleep and the next thing you know, I'm not. I know I woke Jaime up and then he got you. It all happened so quickly. It escalates really quickly, like the next thing I know you're stabbing me with a syringe."

"Mike," he stopped himself. He seemed to be pondering how to phrase what he was going to say next as if not to offend me. "Do you know how long you were out of it?"

"A couple of minutes at max. Why?"

"Son, you were screaming when Jaime woke up. It took me a good twenty minutes of trying to get you to calm down. You could've been out for maybe a full hour," he spoke slowly. I didn't believe him though.

"That can't be right. You said it yourself, I was just out of it, that doesn't mean I wouldn't realize I was screaming. I would've heard that, or at least felt it in my throat." I scowled. I don't know what B.S. he was playing at, but I wasn't having it.

"Michael, you were having a panic attack-"

I quickly interrupted, "Bull shit!"

"You can deny it, but that's what it was. A big part of your rehabilitation is accepting what's happened to you. I need you to trust me, so you can open up. I'm trying to help you," he faintly smiled.

"Whatever. Are we done here?" I said tersely. He nodded and I promptly stood from my chair and stomped my way to the door. I slammed it behind me as I stormed to my room.

When I made it back I swung my door opened to see a distressed Jaime. He was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He looked up after a moment  and he seemed to have been crying. When he made eye contact he rushed forward and he wrapped his arms around me. He began to sob and I really didn't know what to do so I slightly patted his back.

This continued on for several minutes until he pulled away, "Mike, I thought you were going to die or something. Jesus Christ."

"Nope, not dead yet," I joked. That seemed to make Jaime laugh between sniffles.

"So," he trailed off.

"So," I echoed.

"Would you like a seat?" he laughed. I nodded and we sat on our own beds. I shifted from my sitting position to lie down on my bed. I put my hands under my head as a somewhat makeshift pillow. I looked over to see Jaime replicating my movements.

"So how was Gaskarth?" he looked over at me inquisitively.

"The same as usual. I'd rather not talk about it though, he just wanted to talk about this morning."

"Oh. Well, warn me next time you're gonna interrupt my beauty sleep," I smiled at his joke. It felt years since I smiled.

"Yeah, I'll make sure to leave the room next time," I heard him snort at that. I'm glad Jaime's back to normal.

"I need to ask you something," he said more seriously. There was a serious atmosphere in the room again. That's the last thing I want after all of the events from today.

"Yeah, go for it," I said curiously. Regardless of the fact I didn't want to feel like everything was too serious, I really wanted to know what he was thinking.

"What's your deal with Tony? I mean, like it's cool and all, and I won't tell anyone, but you're always watching him. What's the deal with that?" I almost let out a sigh of relief. Out of all the things he could've asked, this was probably the best of the options. I was still conflicted though, I didn't think anyone noticed that, especially not Jaime.

"I don't know really. I just noticed him when I first got here, and I haven't been able to unnotice him, if that makes sense."

"You like him, don't you?" I heard him shift in his bed so he was sitting with his feet on the ground. I followed him in suit and looked him in the eyes.

"Maybe, I think so."

"You know that probably won't work out, not with his condition," he looked sad just saying that.

"Yeah, I know," I replied. There wasn't much to say, it was the truth.

"Regardless, you should try. I think he likes you too. You're the first person he's earned up to so quickly since I've met him. It won't last, but who knows, it might."

"Yeah, maybe."

---
If I had to blame someone for anyone of this, the obvious choice would be Jaime. He encouraged it, he promoted it, he was the catalyst. But, the thing is, I could only blame one person for any of this: myself.

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lmao I kind of hate writing dialogue