How Can I Say Thank You For This?

Strider Get Up and Don't You Dare Look Back

inspired by this song http://thedoctor-and-his-trolls.tumblr.com/post/54454159661/norhuu-this-was-a-collaboration-with-nev ((  first heard it on that post))

Tears stream down your face. Why the hell did this have to happen now. Of all the possible times. The one time you could need your Bro, because you've been through enough that now you just need something familiar and comfortable. Maybe even a little friendly, brotherly strife, hell you'd invite it now. But now you kneel beside him, blood pooled around him, staining a (what used to be) near pristine shirt. Your throat is dry and closing slowly, no matter how many times you swallow, no matter how deep your breaths are, it's not enough air. 

Dave get up.

You don't know what's pushed you to get up but you're standing now, wandering away from the body of a brother who was the biggest influence in your life. You wanted to be him for so long, cus he was the coolest kid you knew and no one could compare. And he took care of you like a Father. Like a Mother. 

Dave don't look back.

Your heart is heavy, weighing into your stomach and the only thing you want to do is disappear into the emptiness that is making you sick. Your stomach flips. Your head screams. Your arms weaken. You can't keep wandering. You lean against a wall back against it. You shut your eyes.

Dave open your eyes. Dave OPEN YOUR EYES-

You wake with a start, cold sweat drops snake down your face. You hate nightmares like that, the ones that are memories not dreams. You sit up and pull your legs to your chest after several attempts of trying to get back to sleep. 

"Sleeping is a waste," you whisper to yourself.

It's early morning, the sun hasn't even risen and you suppose a walk to clear your mind will be good. You don your sunglasses and sneak out with only your pajamas on; no shoes. The grass feels nice on your feet and you smile. No one else would enjoy this except maybe Gamzee, but hell who even knows what's up with that guy anyways.

You do this often because you don't sleep much. After winning the game you were left with a lot of mental scars. The memories that haunt you stick to your dreams and create nightmares. Especially the ones of your Bro. Sure Dirk is a lot like him but there's no way in hell he's the same person. Dirk didn't teach you how to fight, practically preparing you for the game. Dirk didn't take care of you for 13 years of your life. He didn't teach you how to not be afraid of all the things you really feared when you were a child.

He didn't teach you how to live. Sure he has a striking resemblance. But he cannot replace your Bro.

You choose the tallest hill you can before you sit down, cross legged and wait for the sun to rise. You lay back and stare at the fading darkness.

The sun always will come.

Darkness can't stay.

Just because vibrance fades

Doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

After the long night lives

It dips beneath that lights bright gaze

And vanquishes all your demons,

Trust me Dave...

Kiddo, you'll be alright.

Just make it through tonight.

The words your Bro told you; he gave you courage to sleep through a night. He made you forget that the dark night was a scary place to be. He reminded you that every bad thing has some sort of good that will shine through. 

~~~

You make your way back to the house secretly hoping no one is awake. After the end of the game you all stayed together, living under one roof. Where only eleven of you survived, it's rather stuffy, but then again,

Kanaya and Rose worked things out in the end. Roxy ended up with Calliope. Dirk and Jake also worked things out. So they all share rooms. Gamzee isn't home half the time (and when he is, he either sleeps on the couch, floor, or curls up with Karkat.) Terezi takes her own room and John well he and Karkat share a bunk bed. Half the time Karkat is yelling at John for "being such a nooksucking fuckass." but something makes it seem like it's in the most friendly of ways rather than hateful. Karkat and John don't have to share a room but Karkat really can't be alone and he's not on great terms with Terezi (or Gamzee for that matter). You need your space. 

You're all very happy together considering the circumstances, considering the shit you've been through, the pain and death you've seen or caused. Hell Calliope was dead for a long time until they used that ring. You have each other to rely on.

When you return to the house John's awake, sitting at the island, a cup of coffee in his hands. He smiles and waves.

"Hey Dave!"

"Hey John, is there anymore coffee?"

"Yeah, hey where were you," he replies.

You're silent for a few seconds then shrug. You don't want to have to tell him all the things that plague you.

"Just went for a walk. How come you're up so early, it's not even eight."

"Well.... Truth be told, Karkat was talking in his sleep, I didn't bother waking him up but I couldn't get back to sleep."

You nod and pour yourself a cup of black coffee. You stare down into it and see your blond hair and black aviators that John had given you (what feels like) centuries ago. You sip. It's strong and warm and you can feel it spreading throughout you.

You stare back up at John.

"So what in fucksake is up for the agenda today?"