How Can I Say Thank You For This?

He's Only Happy When You're Looking

You open your eyes quickly, the banging (you realize) is coming from outside your room. You check the clock. It's only been a few minutes since you fell asleep, but it feels like you were there with your brother for a lifetime. Yet it was only really miniscule time and you feel refreshed. You wonder if everything your Bro told you was true, about the dream scape, or if it was just your mind telling you what you wanted to hear.

"Dave! Please come out, please."

You remember you were mad, mainly because you had one of those memory dreams (now you wonder if that had to do with the game and your Bro too, if maybe you were making him re-live it?) and you hadn't gotten paid and gotten barely any sleep the night before. You're still upset about it. There are voices again and you still can't make them out. Things start to get louder.

"Go away! I think I can handle my best fucking friend all by myself!" John yells.

You've never heard him yell because he was angry or upset. Only when he's excited (which admittedly you have to say is pretty damn cute.) You hear footsteps down stairs and then John knocks again.

"Please," he says.

You go and sit against the door on the ground. You hear him do the same.

"Let me in."

"I can't do that."

"Please, I just wanna talk, we can sit on the floor and talk about all of this just let me in."

There's a silence and you think about it. He seemed really upset at the others and he genuinely seemed like he wanted to have a heart to heart bro talk. He did yell at them. He never fucking yells. You shift aside and unlock the door. He opens it and crawls in. You lock it again so no one can come in. You jacked up his face pretty good, it's already bruising. The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes.

"Sometimes I dream about my Dad... Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes even at work I have to excuse myself... I'm not happy Dave, I just try to make the best of it."

You're both silent for a while.

"John I'm really sorry." You turn to look at him. "Listen it's just seeing him dead in my dreams, I never sleep. I can't get away from feeling guilty. I never made him proud... Never got to tell him I loved him... Thank him for raising me..."

"And you think I said any of that to my Dad?... You can't just take it out on everyone. He knows I'm sure... He did raise you."

You know he's right. Suddenly you find yourself scooching closer to him and you have your head on his shoulder. It's tense.

"I'm really sorry for hitting you. Today's just been... No. Not just today, most of my life has been boiling up to this. Exploding, being a complete ass..."

He takes your hand. Your heart races a bit, because what the hell is he doing. Because what the hell is going on.

"Dave, I'm sorry if this is... Hah, weird."

You don't say anything but close your eyes and nestle into his neck a little. He puts his arm around you and pulls you closer to him. It's still fucking tense.

You open your eyes when you feel his hand meeting your chin. You look up at John and he's looking back. You never noticed how blue his eyes were before then. You glance down at his lips then back up at him. You notice his arm is no longer around you. He presses his forehead to yours then places his free hand on the back of your neck. 

And then he leans into you and kisses you. And you know that he hasn't kissed enough to really know what he's doing and how to be in control. But then again neither have you. Then again maybe he does know what he's doing because he's the best damn kisser you've ever known and it's making you forget what the hell is even going on. The hand on the back of your neck is now combing through your hair. The hand that was under your chin is cupping your face. You find your hands gripping his shirt again, pulling him closer and suddenly you bang your head and fucking ow.

"Ah! Sorry..."

But you've made it on your back and he's inches from you. And you both laugh. You laugh until there's a lull and you kiss again. You pause and take off his glasses and he discards yours. Your hands are resting on his hips and then you pull him closer because hot damn you're just so fucking sexually hungry. It's a hunger you haven't fed ever, something you haven't thought to because after losing Jade it just didn't matter.

And then your thinking about Jade; you're still kissing him, still wanting him, but holding back tears. And then they spill.

"Dave...? Did I do something-"

You shake your head and peck at his lips.

"Then tell me what's wrong."

You have to let go and move forward. You have to make peace with it. Let go.

"John I..."

You don't bother finishing the sentence because it's just too much for you to get out and you don't want to hurt him. So you pull him against you, his head on your chest, and just lay there with your arms around him.

"It's Jade isn't it Dave... You're thinking about her..."

"No I-"

"It's okay... I'll just... This was stupid."

He manages to get up because you're paralyzed. He thinks he did something wrong when truth is it's you that's holding you back. You sit up and reach to grab his hand. He's struggling with the lock. You stand and hug him.

"I did I loved her. But John I have to let go of her. She won't come back. She's not going to come back. I can't hold onto something that no longer exists for me okay?"

You cup his face and kiss his nose. He smiles softly at you and then hugs you. You both stand there for some time just hugging and then ask him if he wants to stay in your room tonight. He nods and then stands on his toes.

"We're gonna be alright Strider," he whispers in your ear.

Then he kisses your cheek and you both smile.