How Can I Say Thank You For This?

Baby Scars

A few minutes after you notice John is asleep you go to the bathroom and shower. You take your time and think about everything. 

What the fuck did I get myself into. I couldn't have just lied? No that would have been wrong. You close your eyes and wash soap out of your hair. Jesus he's in love with me! I couldn't be more happy.But I haven't even had the time to really go through the motions. He's my best friend, so was what happened just something selfish. I mean I think I love him...But I don't know. How am I supposed to when the first chance I get to think about it is after he made love to me. Yeah he made love to me. He didn't fuck me that shit wasn't empty, I mean that was passionate... Agggghhh. You dig your nails into your scalp and grip you hair.

When you finish you check on John. He's still asleep. You put clothes on and then decide to go for a walk. You grab you sunglasses and then head for the front door.

"Hello?"

Karkat. Son of a bitch he's gonna give you hell.

"Hi Karkat..."

You see him sit up on the couch. You walk over and sit down across from him.

"Listen Karkat I'm really sorry for-"

He puts a hand up to stop you.

"Dave, I don't give a airborn fuck about that." He shakes his head. "What I give a shit about is John. I don't know if you've noticed this but we've very much become moirails and if I find out that you hurt him I will rip you to pieces."

You're speechless because you never knew he cared.

"I may have had red feelings for Jade, but I quickly fell into redness for him while sharing a room with him. But he turned me down, you know why?"

You shake your head keeping eye contact with him.

"Because he wants you to be his kissmesis or whatever the fuck is your human love hoofbeastshit... He wants you in every quadrant."

You look down at your hands feeling guilty for not stopping yourself earlier this morning so you could figure your feelings out. Your heart sinks.

"I know what happened between you this morning. I don't care. I don't. But you, Dave Strider, you need to figure your shit out because that boy is fragile and hopeful and if you lead him on, you will destroy him."

"Karkat I know! You think it's not killing me? It is. I just wish it was easy to find my true feelings. He's my best friend and I... It just felt right to be with him... I'm going for a walk to think things through."

You get up and storm out of the house, practically slamming the door behind you. You retrace your steps from the previous morning and curl up on the same hill. You lay back and close your eyes.

~~~

You look around, same planet, it's not deteriorating which means your Bro is here somewhere.

"Bro! Bro! Where are you goddamnit! I need you right now!"

You run around searching but you can't find him. You go to your old home. You find him surrounded by smuppets and find yourself laughing.

"What did I tell you-"

"Blah blah blah, let go, and all that bullshit. Did you ever fall in love?"

He just stares at you and shakes his head.

"Fucking damnit."

"Wait wait, did my little man fall in love, who's the lucky lady?"

You shake your head and turn.

"Lucky lad? Wait seriously?"

You walk out and back to where you always start these dream things.

"Dave wait! I'm not trying to make fun or judge you! I couldn't do that, not if I tried! Wait Dave!"

You hear him running after you but you don't stop to wait. You don't want to talk to him about John.

"Who is it tell me."

He grabs your wrist.

"Dave c'mon..."

He's just begging you now and you turn to him.

"John. John Egbert the fucking idiot. He loves me I don't know how I feel. That's why I came. I don't know how I feel, I mean I didn't even get the chance before we fucking slept together what the hell was I thinking..."

You know his eyes are wide, because his jaw has dropped.

"No, no I'm not judging you. Jesus christ kiddo."

"He just... He... Loves me and... I don't even know if I love him back and I want to. But if it's not real for me then.... Then I'll hurt him....."

He's silent for a long time.

"Of course I like him. That was always a feeling that has followed me ever since I first met him in real life. His stupid goofy face and smile. He has a big heart. He's always just trying to help. People think he's stupid but he's just silly... But when Jade... It was hard for me to feel anything for anyone... Even though I always liked him... And it was always more."

He's still silent. He doesn't say anything at all but hugs you. You see him pull a sword out and runs at you.

~~~

You wake up with a pain in your chest.

"Motherfucker just forced me to wake up by stabbing me in the chest what an ass," you mumble to yourself.

You stand up and run home. John's up when you get there. So is everyone else. He doesn't say anything to you the way he normally would. It pains you to know he's pushing you away like this.

"I could cut the awkwardness in the air with a knife," Roxy says.

You roll your eyes.

"What's with that," Terezi asks.

You shrug and pour yourself a cup of coffee. You sit beside John and he proceeds to get up and put his half eaten breakfast in the sink.

"Not hungry," he mumbles.

You get up and follow him outside.

"What about your coffee," Jake yells after you.

"Not thirsty!"

~~~

He's running from you, literally running and you're following.

"John! Wait the fuck up! I want to talk!"

"No!"

He continues but you'll catch up. You're fast because of your brother and he'd probably get tired soon.

"John!"

You're gaining on him. His begins to slow down and you grab his hand.

"John look at me."

You notice he's been crying. You wipe his face and hug him.

"Leave me alone," he mumbles.

He breaks free and starts running back the way he came, back to the house. You roll your eyes and follow. You manage to catch him back at the house. He's in his room, sitting on his bed. Whatever you have to say will be heard by everyone.

"John listen to me for one goddamn second!"

"Why should I?! You've done your fucking damage, anything else you could say will only hurt!"

You pull him into a hug. He fights you off but you grab his wrists and then cup his face.

"You idiot! Just let me speak!"

He stop struggling, tears are still pouring down his face. You wipe them away with your thumbs.

"John, I've always had feelings for you, feelings that are stronger than friendship. And then Jade she died, and you have to know that I haven't felt much of anything for anyone since then. I've always wanted you to be more than just my friend."

You pull him closer to you.

"I love you," you whisper. "John I really fucking love you."