pills // malum

twentythree// spanish sahara

"forget the horror here, leave it all down here,

 it's future rust and it's future dust"

"so, calum, tell me about yourself,"

calum shifted around in the comfortable seat before looking up at his therapist. his shiny, new therapist in a shiny, new office who would figure out what was still wrong with him and give him some shiny, new meds that actually worked and didn't trigger horrible memories of puking up pills into his toilet at home.

"like what?" calum answered.

"anything. your favorite band, favorite color, favorite sport," his therapist said with a smile, "i just want to get to know you more before we head straight into the things that are more difficult to talk about."

"uh," calum hesitated, he legitimately couldn't think of anything. his mental illness had taken up so much of his life that when he was asked about himself all he could say was that he has schizophrenia, and his therapist already knew that.
his therapist waited a little longer for an answer before speaking again.
"it's okay if you can't think of anything, hopefully you will after a few sessions," she said with a smile, "let's get started."

calum left the office that day with a different appointment to go see a psychiatrist and receive a prescription. his mom helped him talk about past incidents that he couldn't remember, and he managed to tell the rest. his mom made an attempt at conversation in the car on the way home, finally wanting to connect with her son, but calum just ignored her and stared out the window.

 days later, it was time for his psychiatrist appointment. appointments basically took over the boys life, and he hadn't even gone back to school yet. when he wasn't getting questioned by various types of doctors, calum was forced to hang out with luke after school. well, not forced, calum's mom basically set them up at luke's house with plenty of distractions whenever she had to leave, which was fun, but calum knew exactly why she was doing it. 

he came back from the appointment with a new prescription which was promised to actually work, and he was to start it the next day. calum knew that meant no more michael and ashton, and that thought saddened him. though his disorder had caused him a lot of pain and unnecessary sadness, it was still part of him. 

that night, with calum's door wide open because his mother didn't trust him, michael and ashton visited. they were together, showing calum had conflicting emotions over the big change. 

the only noise in the room was the rain pattering on the roof. michael and ashton were both in opposite sides of the room, echoing calum's thoughts. their voices became louder and louder, until they were practically screaming at each other. then they quieted down into a whisper again,both repeating the same thing over and over. 

from michael it was "don't leave me,"

from ashton it was "this is for the best."

they both stopped when calum spoke. 

"i'm sorry."

that morning after he ate breakfast, he took his first dose. for the first time in a long time, he was completely alone.