letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 7

As they drive to the park, grey clouds start to form, and by the time they've arrived, it's raining. Because of the weather, the park's empty, so Beth and Dan sit in the rotunda, finishing their food. Beth clutches her hot chocolate close, shivering slightly in the cool wind.

"Are you cold?" Dan asks, looking concerned.

"Nah, I'm fine," although her chattering teeth say otherwise.

"Here," Dan starts to take of his grey hoody.

"No, it's fine. I don't want you to get cold." She tells him, grabbing his arm.

"I insist," He says, shaking her hand off and tugging down the zip. He takes of the jacket and puts it around Beth's shoulders. She snuggles into it, grateful for the warmth.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Dan rub his arms.

"Come here you," she mutters, shuffling closer and cuddling up to Dan. He wraps his long arms around her, and soon both of them are warm and content.

"Beth... Can I ask you something?" Dan asks carefully.

"Mhhmm," she replies, not looking up.

"What was in the third letter?"

She tenses up, and sits up straight, jacket falling off her shoulders.

"Nothing."

"It must have been something. Why won't you tell me?"

"It's personal. Drop it, Dan."

"But you sent the letters to me! You wanted me to see them..."

"No, Dan. I didn't. Just forget it."

But Dan wasn't giving up.

"Come on! What was it?"

"Don't push me Dan," she tells him, moving away.

He shuffles closer, putting his arm around her.

"Sorry," he buries his face in her hair.

They sit in silence for a bit.

"Will you ever tell me?"

Beth stands up sharply.

"Dan. Stop!"

To her horror, her eyes fill with tears. She rubs her eyes frantically and runs out of the rotunda, into the pouring rain.

"Beth!" Dan calls desperately.

She doesn't turn back and keeps running.

"Oh god, I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. I can't do anything right. Beth!" He shouts, and runs after her.

His legs are longer, and he catches up to her quickly. He grabs her wrist and forces her to turn and look at him.

Droplets of water pour down her face, and Dan's not sure if it's rain or tears.

He doesn't even try to say anything, he just wraps her in his arms, stroking her hair.

"I'm sorry, I should have dropped it," he says honestly, guilt overwhelming him.

She looks up at him, "It's okay, it's just not really my favourite conversation topic."

"I understand," he says truthfully.

"I don't think you can understand unless you've actually been through it," she says.

"Who said I haven't?"

"What?"

"Let's go back to my place. We have a lot to talk about," he suggests.

Beth nods and they start towards Dan's car.

***

At Dan's, he fixes two cups of tea and they sit on the couch.

"Go ahead," Beth prompts.

"It started when I was maybe 19. I think I'd just finished high school, and I wasn't too happy with my marks. I was planning to do Biology at uni, but my marks weren't good enough. I felt like I'd let everyone down; my parents, my friends, and most importantly myself. I thought it was the end of the world. I was ashamed of myself, I felt like a failure. I felt like I didn't deserve to love, to eat, to enjoy life. I felt like I didn't deserve to live.

"I stopped eating for about three weeks. Nothing apart from some dry biscuits and water passed my lips. I lost a good ten kilos. My parents thought I had an eating disorder. I've never been happy with the way I look. They took my to a doctor, who told me I had acute depression. I went home that day and slept. I slept for almost three days. I'd heard this quote, sleep is a cousin of death, and I thought maybe if I slept long enough, I would get better. But when I woke up, I was even worse. I started uni three months later, and that was when I met Steph. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my only friend. She was the first, and only person I told about my self harm. She was truly fantastic, and although it took some time, and eventually I got better.

"But one day Steph called me and told me she'd been offered an internship. I was really happy for her, until she told me the internship was in New York. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I'd survive with her. She was my rock. I broke down on the phone, I begged her not to go, and she got mad at me. Told me that her life didn't revolve around me, that she was definitely going. After she left, I got bad again, old habits die hard, you know?

"She was gone for six months, those were the hardest six months of my life. We didn't talk. I didn't think she wanted to. When she came back, I tried calling her, and she didn't pick up. I though she hated me. That was, coincidentally, the same week I had failed my course at uni. So, I was tired, friendless, my family had forgotten about me. I barely had enough money for food. So I tried to kill myself."

At this, he looks over at Beth,who has tears streaming down her face.

"Wh-where? How?" She asks, her lips trembling.

Dan pulls up his sleeve and points at the bracelet he never takes off. Basically a red, green and yellow ribbon wrapped around his wrist several times.

"Steph came over to my place the exact moment I tried to kill myself. She called an ambulance. She saved me.

"I was in the hospital for almost a month. I refused to leave, scared people would see my scar and judge me. Again, Steph came to the rescue. She visited me in the hospital several times. She gave me this bracelet to cover the scar. It's been over three years now, and I still haven't taken it off.

"That's why I was so upset when I read your letters. I knew exactly what you were going through, and crushed that I couldn't help you." Dan finishes with a sigh.

"Oh, Dan! I had no idea! I'm so sorry!" Beth breaks down, absolutely sobbing her eyes out.

"I didn't expect you to know Beth, don't you dare apologise," he says sternly.

Beth hugs Dan, and he pulls her down, so they're lying on the couch together. Dan grabs a throw blanket and wraps it around them.

Beth puts her hand on Dan's face and kisses him softly.

"I'm really, really glad you didn't die. I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. Okay?" She asks quietly.

Dan nods, and hugs her tighter, and together they lie there for hours. Their bodies fit perfectly, and neither Beth nor Dan had felt so safe or content for as far back as they could remember.