letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 29

(okay so it’s in Dan’s POV now)

 

Beth falls asleep soon after Astrid is born. I’m tempted to do the same, but I didn’t want to let Astrid out of my sight for even a second. Her eyes, blue, were shut, and even though she wasn’t even a day old she already has a messy mop of brown curls.  She is beautiful, even though she’s asleep, her cheeks red from screaming her little lungs out. I am a father. God, I’d never fully prepared myself for how this would feel.

Astrid wakes in her cot and starts whimpering, so I put my hand in the cot, playing with her tiny hands. Her fingers wrap around my finger, and I’m filled with a rush of joy, so powerful it’s all I can do to not cry out with happiness. Had Beth not been asleep, I probably would have done just that. I can’t believe this little creature is mine. All mine to play with and spoil rotten. Astrid is so much beautiful than anything I’d ever imagined. I pull out my phone to take a photo, and send it to mum, who’s been waiting eagerly to see the baby.

Astrid suddenly starts howling, which makes me jump, and Beth stirs in the bed.

“She hungry? How long was I asleep?” She sounds worn out, so much so that I can’t help but worry. Her hair hangs damp around her face, and she’s an awful grey colour, which I’m sure isn’t normal.

“Um, maybe an hour. Hold on, I’ll grab the nurse,” I tell her, standing up and jogging out of the room to the nurse’s station.

As I walk back to the room with the nurse, the question pops out. “Is it normal for her to be this worn out?”

She pauses. Starts walking again. “No. No it’s not, and I think it’s because of the tumour. Giving birth is a massive strain on the body. I think we’ll keep her here a few extra days, just to make sure everything’s alright. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’s fine.” She tries to sound comforting, but I’m not convinced.  I just have this feeling that something is wrong, and the doctor hasn’t noticed it.

We come back into the room and I see Beth sitting in the chair beside Astrid’s cot (which is a good thing, I think. She can walk). The sight makes my heart want to burst, and I nearly cry. Beth’s cradling our tiny little creature against her chest and… Oh… She’s feeding her. I turn away awkwardly, and get a glimpse of the old Beth as she snorts with laughter. I blush and plonk myself down on the bed, purposely looking anywhere but Beth.

“Dan… You can look, you know. I mean, you’ve seen me naked more times than I can count.”

At this, the nurse bursts out laughing, and for the first time Beth notices her presence.

“Oh, hi,” she says, smiling weakly.

“Hey, I’ll come back when you’re done, yeah? Just give the red button a buzz,” she tells us, leaving the room with a small wave.

I feel like an idiot for not noticing the button, especially considering this is not my first time in a hospital. Oops.

“Hey, hold Astrid for a sec will you? I want to sit on the bed.”

I jump up and take Astrid from her, holding our baby in the crook of my elbow, helping Beth with my free hand. She climbs onto the bed and slides under the covers. I give Astrid to her, and climb in myself, leaning back against the pillows. I wrap my arm around Beth’s waist and lean in to kiss her on the cheek. She turns at the last second, so my kiss lands on her lips. I smile against her lips, and pull away. I don’t want to distract her from feeding Astrid or… Whatever. I’m still new to this. I’ll get some books once we’re out of here. I’ve got no clue what’s going on.

Beth finishes feeding Astrid, and holds her against her bare chest, Astrid’s head lying in the crook between Beth’s neck and shoulder. I grab my phone of the side table to get another photo just as Astrid is sick down Beth’s back.