Brynna

Planning a Murder

*BRYNNA POV*
     I wake up on Brookes bed with her cats curled up around me, I carefully get up as not to disturb them and step onto the ground. The awfulness of everything that happened yesterday hit me like a truck. I finally got home, only to be put to shame by The Doctor. A hot wave of anger welled up inside my chest as I walk out into the hall, but I soon let it go, because it could be worse. I go to shower again. Because the awful feeling if living on the streets still hangs with me. Even if I can never scrub the feeling away, I can still try. I turn on the water and step in, being careful not to look at my cuts or injuries, but finally I can't resist anymore, I try to squeeze my eyes shut. I had to look, look at my mangled legs, burned arms with scars that will never heal. I become nauseated at the sight and vomit into the shower. Same thing happened yesterday too. It sucks to hate your own body. Sucks even more when you're the one who did it. Or forced Madame Kavarian to anyway. That's what she always told me. "It's your fault I'm doing this." Or, "you really need to stop making me hurt you darling." Maybe if I wasn't so needy... I should have been grateful for Madame, for the food she gave me, the clothes in my back. Maybe if I hadn't complained about so many things... I release my fury at myself by pounding my fists again the glass tile siding. Again and again, breaking the tiles. I'm mad at myself for being an idiot, I'm mad at Brooke for making being the exception- for making me think that there is anything else in this world besides pain, bitterness and sorrow, and I'm furious with the Doctor for embarrasing me, for not accepting me, and for getting my hopes up that maybe I could leave my past behind. I keep crushing my hands against the tiles until theyre a bruised, bloody mess, with slivers of glass sticking in at all angles. I deserved that too. I clean out my wounds and step out of the shower, getting dressed and drying my hair. Doing my best to make it seem like everything is good. I'm walking down to my room when I run into someone, of course. The first person I see is the only person I want to hurt. The Doctor. I paste a smile onto my face and try to look bright. "Hello Doctor! How are you?"
     "Good. Fine." He says absent-mindedly, but he's looking deep into my face with a concerned look. "Er, are you okay? You look a little..." he trails of and does an obscure hand motion in the general direction of my face. I smile even brighter.
   "Oh yes! I'm great. Best sleep I've had in...well...since you left me on a cruel dimension with no parents or home." I say sarcastically, my smile melting into a scowl, quickly making everything awkward. He grunts. Then he places his hand on my shoulder, I haven't liked physical contact ever because well... you know... but especially from him I wanted to puke... Again.
     "Listen, I'm sorry. I thought... You..." At this point I'm afraid he's going to try and hug me, so I step out of reach, give an unconvincing grin, and hurry away. I finally find my room again and I see Brooke asleep on my bed. Makes sense. I was in hers so she might as well be in mine. But I'm surprised when River walks in, Even more surprised to see that she's pregnant. I don't j now why I didn't notice this yesterday.
     "Hey." She says, smiling warmly. I pretend that I wasn't thinking about how to murder her husband a few minutes ago.
     "Hi." I say flatly. Hopefully making it clear I don't want to talk. She either doesn't get the message or just ignores it. Probably the latter.
   "So, did you meet anyone interesting during your time...there?" Stopping herself for saying, "during your time as a vagrant." I nod  and say,
   "Oh yeah definitely River, you meet lots off great people who are scowling at you and saying that the Bobbies should haul you off to prison." River laughs, but I'm only half joking. "But seriously? There was this one guy, he paid me to do stuff for him sometimes." I stop when I see how River's looking at me. "Not like that! Give me some credit! Geez. No. He paid me to follow people, or get information on someone, he called me "the head of his homeless network." He was weird. But his friend would have me food sometimes as well, so that was good." River talks on for a little while, and finally leaves. I hang out in my room, just waiting for Brooke to wake up. It takes forever, but she finally does. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen here, even though we were just talking last night. I embrace her tightly,
     "Um, are you okay?" She asks.
     " Yes." I murmur. Then I spring up and go change my clothes. Brooke and her animals are the only things that have made me happy in a long time.
I do feel guilty about planning to the Doctor's murder. And I know I won't go through with it. Probably. I know Brook would not be super pleased about that, but deep down, I know that I can't forgive him for leaving me. Or for anything else.