Promise? • phan

Phil

I ran and didn't stop. He's lying he has to be. He isn't in love with me, he hates me. Oh go what about pj? I'm with pj he can't be in love with me if I'm with pj. This is going to change everything. I'm not going to act the same around PJ anymore, and Dan what if he's lying to me he probably doesn't even like me he's probably just messing with me to get inside my head or something. I don't know what to think I just keep running and running until I can't breathe anymore. I stop at the end of the street that I'm not aware with. It's pitch black probably one in the morning by now and I'm just lost.

How my going to explain myself? I can't even speak to my own mom how my supposed to talk to Dan about this or PJ Dan has no idea what he just did. He hates me why would he tell me he's in love with me when I know he hates me he can't just stop and tell me that all those years of bullying me and her asking me and telling me to kill myself was because he was afraid of his own feelings.

After about 15 minutes I start walking around looking for my way home soon I find it I'll see my bedroom window so no one knows I was ever gone. I end up falling asleep with the comfort of just me myself and I.

-
I wake up by the wonderful son and my mother screaming about something that she can't find. I grown and roll over and look at my clock to see it's 7 AM. I roll out of bed and decide just to skip the shower today because I don't have energy to do anything. I decide to wear pure black today, black skinny jeans and a black shirt and matching with my black shoes and black hoodie. I just know that today isnt going to be good for me.

-
I walk into the school gates and PJ isn't there to greet me like he always is. Only Louise is there sitting at a table but she doesn't see me. It's like all of a sudden I'm invisible. I find a seat under old tree on the other side of the campus, I sit there and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I start thinking about last night what Dan said to me in a start thinking about PJ what he's done for me.

PJ, he was everything I needed at that moment. Reassurance, love, compassion, the feeling of being safe from the world, and just the feeling of someone to rely on I guess. I never really liked PJ I kinda only liked  what he's done for me. I made myself believe that I truly liked him and now that I'm realizing that I never did I can't help but to feel horrible. And now we have Dan.

He made my life a living hell. He beat me till I couldn't breathe, until I was black and blue and bloody just lying there almost lifeless. He told me to do horrid things such as cutting deeper, to kill myself, you call me a faggot gay mute emo.

In for him just all of a sudden tell me when he comes home that he did that because he was in love with me? Because he was afraid of his feelings? He shouldn't think that i'm OK with it. He should know that I would feel like something else is going on. What if you just truly mean what if you're trying to get it inside my life find out things just to hurt me more in the future.



But his eyes. They are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. His smile can light up the whole world if you let it. Whenever he's around you can't help but to smile and laugh when you see him laughing. He something out of a romance novel. A sick and twisted one. I was told myself that I hated him. Everything about him. Then I would never ever be with him even if he is the last person on earth. But it turns out like what I was doing a PJ, I was just trying to convince myself. I have a horrible life at home I get beaten every day I get called names, it's just like at school but worse because it's my family.

It's pretty sad that I, Phil  Lester, am in love with my own bully.

But I don't want to be with him. He's hurt me too much, and if you actually, actually wanted to be with me and if he truly did love me and he would show me. He'll make an effort to prove to me that he has changed. But before I can even have thoughts about Dan, I have to make things right with PJ.

I get up from where I was sitting, and make my way towards the front of the school again. I see PJ standing with Chris looking like they're waiting for the end show up.

It's now or never.

I pull out my notepad for my backpack and write down these words, "PJ, I'm sorry that things have to be this way, I am insecure and I always will be you and I let myself believe that I'd really like to you when reality I didn't. I know that might sound harsh but I can't stand living in a lie. I hope that we can stay friends and you will no longer bully me. Thank you for everything PJ."

I tear the note out of my notepad and look up to him, tapping him on the shoulder. "Hey babe." PJ smiled at me. I gave him a forced smile and return and hand him the letter. I stand there watching as he reads, his face falling after he read the first line.

"It's OK Phil, I understand and of course we can stay friends. I would never hurt you."

I gave him a small smile and I turned to my head with the feeling that I'm being watched. And of coarse at the school gates watching, and listening to the whole thing with no one other then Dan Howell.

-
IM BACK BITCHES

I love you guys so much and thank you for being patient!

QOTD: thoughts?

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PHAN PHAN PHAN