Boyfriend ( Justin Beiber Love Story )

Chapter 8 ❤

How could I let this happen? I saw it coming. I knew they were planning something on me. I could feel it. I said it from the beginning, but stupid me still went through it. Im such an idiot. How could I do this to myself. I cant believe I let myself get more weak than I already am. They don't understand what they have done to me. I am completely ruined. Ive lost myself. They never will. And by they I mean those so called bullies. All of them. How could they all just stand there and watch me drown. How could they stand there and point and laugh in my pain and fear. Yes I want to die, but not this way. This was cruel. Beyond cruel. I didn't deserve this hate. No one deserves it. Its horrible. And the fact that you have to go through it alone, is even more worse. Why would Justin do this to me? Why god? Why? Why is it always the good person. I thought he changed. I guess people really do never change. I cant believe I gave him a second chance. I cant believe the stupid mistake I made. I warned myself. Everyday. And there I went. I did what I told myself not to. Trust them. Befriend the one who started it all. Im so stupid. Why?

When you think someone understands, but in reality they wont and never will. Not unless your going through the same thing.

I just want, for once in my life to be accepted and finally treated like human being, not a punching bag. I hate this thing they call life. Im saying these words because I want you to understand everything. I want you to understand that I didn't do anything to anyone. I never spoke bad about anyone.

I never got in trouble. I never harmed anyone. And all it took was one day for everything to change. One plan and my whole life flipped. School isn't about socialising or learning its a popularity contest. Who can do what to Julia, pretty much.... I just want it all to end.

Im broken. Inside and out. Im completely ruined. I have children's clothing hanging off my bones. I have scars that are marked for life. everything I do, I will always be constantly reminded of what I am going through. Every second of the day I'll think about hurting myself or some form of suicide I could do. I grow weaker everyday. I let cruel people walk all over me. I don't speak to anyone. I'm lonely.People can see whats going on, but they choose not to help or speak. They just sit there and help be the reason as to why I am like this. They encourage others to watch me get hurt. I thought bullying wasn't as this bad.. But I guess I was wrong.

They just watch me crumble and fall apart. Words cant describe this feeling. Its like your constantly numb, but at the same time all you feel is pain. There's always that voice in your head thats always yelling at you and telling you to do the wrong things and saying cruel things to you and all you want to do is cry. Cry because your over it all. Over this life god has given you. Over the people who made you feel like crap. Over waking up. Just over everything.

I could hear beeping. I didn't know where it was coming from. My eyes were still closed. I didn't want to open them because I like this feeling of being dead and I know that if I wake up, I will go back to the real world. The one I want to run away from. See what I mean, I always end up back. Back to, in my eyes, Hell. I slowly opened my eyes. The brightness from outside was almost blinding and stinging my eyes. It was also blurry. I blinked a few time to get my eyes back in focus, then I sat up. I looked around the room....

Im the hospital. I looked at my arm... My chest... I recognised straight away. I have a feeding tube. Instant panic. I began to breathe heavily. My heart was racing. My breathes grew shorter. They are trying to make me fat. All this hard work. They are ruining it all for me. There is a feeding tube! I began to sob. I cant. I cant let this happen. I have to get this off me. I have to. Now. I cant let them do this to me. I am healthy. Im fat. Cant they see this flab! Am I the only one with eyes here?!?

Tears were strolling down my face one after another. I pulled my knees towards my chest and dug my head in my knees and cried. I cried more, biting my skin. Then I realised. My cuts... They all have been bandaged. They are trying to heal me. This is worse than anything in the world. I don't think you understand. You all might think I'm going crazy but I cant. Having this illness, I practically cant live without it. And the fact that everything I have done, everything that makes me feel better in a way, is now all being taken away from me.

Cutting makes me better. In a way, it takes all the pain away. Makes me breathe a little bit easier. Call me sick, but this is how it makes me feel. I like to sit there and watch the red liquid drip from my arm. Imaging all my pain leaving my body. But I know as soon I get back up and go to school and see everyone... It will all change. I go back to the depressed, all pain self. Theres no win in this. I need someone to talk to. Someone to understand. I cant let them do this to me. I cant let them ruin everything and take away everything that makes me better in a way. This feeding tube... Just the word feed makes me sick! I want to rip it off! I want it off me now! I can already see! Its making me fat!

My breathes grew shorter. The machine was beeping faster. I felt like I was choking. I couldn't think I had to many voices in my head shouting at me. They grew louder and louder by the second. I wanted to rip this thing off right now. I want it to stop. I looked around the room. I bent over to open the side draw. I needed anything sharp to cut this tube! I needed it to stop now! I cant let them make me fat.

I saw a small safety pin. It make not do anything but it sure was worth a try! I began poking at the tube with it and trying to rip it. I tried with my teeth. I bit a small hole and broke the tube. Small droplets were falling from it. I put the remaining tube , in the bin beside me. So that all the droplets can fall into the bin. Its gone. Im safe. I know that they are going to come back and I know that when they take it they will know what I did But I don't care.

I still couldn't breathe. I was scared. I am terrified. Theres no way out. I need to escape. I need to go home. I don't want to be here. I want my dad. I want my room. I don't want to be here. I hate hospitals.

This is a side of Julia, You haven't seen. The crazy side. Now you know that I really cant stop. That this illness has gotten to me. I do have a chance. I can leave this hospital. I hoped out of bed. The hospital dress was big on me. My cold feet making contact with the floor. I removed the wires off me, and took a small blanket to wrap around my body. Im going home. I know dad probably isn't here. He is either at work or at home sleeping. He also hates hospitals. He says it reminds him of mom. I completely understand. I hate them just as much as he does.

I really cant believe Im acting this way. This eating disorder gets the best of me. I always put it first. Before anything. Thats the sad bit. It gets worse. I cant control it.

I peeped my head out the door. Looking at the hallway. I couldn't see anyone I knew. The nurses at the reception were more interested in there calls then anything and the doctors looked busy. I had a chance. I can leave here. I don't want to be saved. I want to go back home. I want my dad.

I stepped out the room and began walking with my head down, trying not to make any contact or drag attention. I walked towards the elevator.

" Julia? Where are you going?" I turned. Justin.

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Most of you might think this is sort of an over the top dramatic chapter, but this is pretty much a life of an eating disorder sufferer. Its hard to go through alone. Its one of the hardest thing for people to understand. People see it as a cry for attention, But this is a mental disorder. This is far from attention seeking. Many girls and guys even go through this everyday. This chapter has a lot of meaning to it. There are many fan-fics that don't include the real issues. This is a real life thing. People don't get cured straight away. It takes 7 years for an eating disorder to get out of someones head. And people who leave eating disorder clinics cured, always go back to it. You all might think this is boring, but it has meaning. To me.

A person with an eating disorder will think, that a grain of sugar will make them gain 10 pounds. Or a cup of orange juice will ruin everything. Society puts so much pressure on young people to look a certain way, I know how it is because I am suffering from bulimia and anorexia. Its hard. Especially when people don't understand what its like to feel weak all the time but have to put up this act of happiness. And to go back home hiding a secret from everyone. Its horrible but I can't say that I want to stop. Once you start it, you gain this feel towards it. Like you cant picture your life without it. And that every food you put in your mouth must disappear.

Anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder or who knows someone who is, Please feel free to come talk to me. I will be here to listen. Your not alone. Never forget that.