Project LGBTeen: A Collection of Short Stories

Part 4: Markie

Hello. My name is Markie Patrick Elliot.

 I'm a sixteen year old genderflux person. My journey with my gender has been a wild ride in my life.

 Ever since I was very young, I was always labeled as a tomboy. I played with my dolls and things as well as my little brother's trucks, and when I played outside with my cousins I was always playing in the dirt and having fun that way. We also played pretend a lot, where I was always either Batman or Raven from the Teen Titans. 

 I remember hating wearing dresses since I was that young as well. I preferred pants to skirts or dresses. I also went through a phase where I would only ever wear my hair up, and never would I wear it down.

 Then my parents split up.

 It was for my betterment and my detriment. A lot happened in the next few years, including me being the only 'girl' amongst mostly boys. To make up for it, I often dressed a little girlier, and finally would never let anyone put my hair up.

 When I reached the sixth grade, I had really stopped caring about what I wore, and I was just that tomboy in the corner. I remember wearing jeans and a t-shirt on the first day of sixth grade, not the dresses everyone else was wearing. I felt better that way. I always had.

 Through middle school, to make up for my apparent adversity to femininity, I grew out my hair. It was probably around near my butt by the time I made the first major cut in the summer after freshman year. 

I cut my hair up to my shoulders. It was still a pretty moderate length, but for me it was amazing. Losing all that hair was so freeing for me. I felt like a weight fell off my chest as the inches disappeared. My smile grew a little brighter again.

 Around this time, I was just starting to explore my sexuality. I was confused and lost on it, but there was no way at all that I could possibly be gay. Not in the slightest.

 By October I had a girlfriend.

 I began to get a little more comfortable with myself, and by December I had cut my hair once again. This time, I chopped my hair up to my chin, so I'd finally stop wearing it up so often. I was getting fed up with having to care for hair that I didn't want.

 I finally cut it close to the way I want it in March.

The one thing I remember specifically from that day was when my mom commented to me that I 'looked like a boy'. I know she meant it as an offense, but it gave me a little joyous feeling inside.

 To say it confused me was an understatement. 

 After I cut my hair, I began to finally want to really know myself. I spent hours researching on the Internet and on tumblr, trying to find the right word to describe me. I knew I wasn't fully transgender per se. At the time, saying I was transgender was a term I heavily shied away from and did not feel at all comfortable with. 

 I came upon the term genderfluid. At the time, I had never before so connected to a term in my life.

 I soon came out to all my friends and my girlfriend at the time.

 I had mixed reactions. Initially everyone respected me and tried making an effort with my pronouns, but eventually all that went away except for maybe three people. It was kind of crushing.

 I never felt comfortable with my identity through the rest of the relationship I was in. The person I was with had very little sympathy or respect for my identity, still referring to me as her 'girlfriend' and words like 'beautiful' and 'pretty' were used to describe me. I didn't feel happy with myself.

 We broke up.

 Around the end of the summer, I finally came to start accepting me for me, and that's when I really realized that I didn't totally identify with the term genderfluid. Like, my gender was still changing and flowing, but only really one way. So when I found the word genderflux, it made me infinitely happy.

 I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am genderflux. My gender flows from between feeling agender and feeling like a boy, and I'm perfectly okay with it. I've got friends that respect me and support me, and a partner who is undyingly supportive of everything I do. I'm so grateful for the people I have in my life.

 I love you all.

 Markie out. (they/them/he/him)