Project LGBTeen: A Collection of Short Stories

Part 6: Thomas

Wooooooooo

My name is Thomas, and I'm a pansexual genderfluid. Growing up in a Mormon household, I was never exposed to the LGBT community as a child. Once I had been, I didn't think much of it, as it hadn't really affected me. I didn't know until I was 13 that being part of the community was a bad thing. My journey through that lesson followed (funnily enough) the path of a rainbow scarf.

It was the fall of 2012, and 13-year-old me had been scouring the internet for things to do. I came across a craft project that went along nicely with my current fascination with scarves. It was a project on how to finger knit a rainbow scarf, complete with clouds on both ends. At this time in my life, I hadn't really ever stopped to consider anything having to do with my gender or sexuality, I just liked scarves and colorful things. So, I went to the store at my earliest opportunity and bought all of the colors I would need to complete my rainbow. I started off with red, knitting a strand as tall as I was. I finished the yellow strand within a few days of the first, and I was working on joining the two when my family decided to direct their attention to me.

I very specifically remember my mom asking me, "Why are you making a rainbow? Are you trying totell me something?"

And I knew what she meant at once, and denied it just as fast. I was not gay, I was straight, as was expected of me.

"Well, people are going to think things... they're going to think you're.... gay." I also remember this line very clearly, because she said the word gay with such contempt, that I once again established, very firmly, that I was not and never would be (haha...) anything but straight. I also tried to say I didn't care if anyone would think I was gay, because I knew that I wasn't. Nevertheless, my scarf's progress slowed, and after completing the orange strand I stopped working on the scarf. It sat, unfinished, in the corner of my closet (how ironic) for 3 years, and I was taught that being gay was not okay.

In my freshman year of high school, the students did a 'day of silence'. We weren't supposed to talk, and it was meant to show us the silence that the LGBT community was bullied into. It was meant to be an all-day thing, ending at midnight. Few students actually participated, and I was one of them. I planned on following through with it, the whole day. Then I got home. Very quickly my mom grew agitated that I hadn't been talking. I don't like to go in depth on my family life, so I'll skip over a little bit here. The important thing, is that once again the question was asked, "Are you trying to tell me something?" with such anger and hate that I knew there was only one appropriate answer. And I was again reminded that being gay was not okay.

By the time I looked at the scarf again in 2015, I had already realized I was pansexual. I also at the time thought I was trans, though I realized later that year that I actually identified as genderfluid. I pulled the scarf out and finished the green strand, then cast the project aside once more. A few months after that, I started making a beanie for whatever reason. This, of course, was rainbow colored as well. I made it in about 2 days, and I didn't tell anyone I was doing it. I walked downstairs the night it was finished, beanie in hand, and proudly showed it to my family. Their words and faces told completely different stories. Verbally, I was told that it was nice and that I had done a good job. But my parent's faces showed apprehension. They were worried again. I can't remember if they asked me this time, but their behavior was enough. I do think they told me people would think I was gay, but I dismissed this idea. However, it further established the concept that being gay is not okay.

For years, I had been forced to go to church activities with other people my age. "Young Women", it was called. It was a Mormon thing, and we were constantly taught how to be good little housewives and that being gay is a sin (I would like to make it clear that I have nothing against religion, I was angry at being required to go and irritated by the sexist teachings). One of these activities was making cupcakes. It was at some leader's house, and probably 10 of us were in a kitchen decorating cupcakes. One of the girl's younger sister, who was about 7 years old, asked her sister to decorate her cupcake with a rainbow. The sister refused. A few minutes later, she told her mom about it, in the tone of voice you use when you except someone to be proud of you. And her mother was. "This is a no rainbow household," she had declared. Although they didn't know, I had been outcast by them again, the only rainbow in a non-rainbow household. Because being gay was not okay.

I don't know what inspired me this time around, either boredom or the looming winter months, but I finally got around to the scarf again with new-found determination, and this time I finished it in less than a month. And it was amazing. 3 years in the making, and I was proud of what I had made.

But the story didn't stop there. I started to notice weird looks people would give me in public. They were fairly easy to ignore, as nobody ever actually approached me about it. Aside from death glares from old ladies and weird looks from others, nothing really changed, until I brought it to school.

I was walking to my class in an almost empty hall. A boy was passing by me, and just as he walked past he hissed the word "Lesbian," like it was an insult. I stopped short for a second, it was the first time anyone had ever said anything to me about it. He was gone before I could confront him about it, and I'm not sure I would have even if given the chance. It reminded me of the general stigma surrounding the LGBT community. It also reminded me of how little people actually recognized. Most people, in my experience, were only familiar with the terms making up the acronym, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans. They didn't realize the full extent of the community, and I think that that was the only thing that really bothered me. People were quick to assume, and even quicker to judge.

Except this time, I knew something.

Being gay is okay.

I had realized that, despite what society wanted us to believe, there was nothing wrong with who we were, for who we are. And everyone who tried to tell us otherwise, they were the problem. Not us. So, to everyone who has ever been, or continues to be, told otherwise:

There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with who you are. You are valid, you always have been and you always will be.

-Thomas