My Boyfriend Is a Psychopathic Clown: Harley Quinn's Story

I Get An Alternative (contest inside!!!!)

I'm taking a big risk here, so go with it. If everyone totally hates this idea, then speak out, but otherwise...(and it's not Harley and Ivy going all lesbian, b\c even though I'm pretty open-minded and have a lot of lesbian\ bisexual\ gay friends, I really hate that).

Before and during the writing of this chapter, I read Batman: Harley and Ivy by comic gods Bruce Timm and Paul Dini, along with some work from Judd Winick and Joe Chiodo (it's ok; before this, I never heard of them either). It was awesome (especially the painted story), but definitely PG-13 (this isn't discouraging you from reading it; I'm encoraging you, but I just wanted to warn you so nobody flips on me if they find it offensive. Do your own censorship.) Fabulous art, decent storylines - I'd give it an 8 out of 10.

Final note: somewhere in here, I hid the name of a Neil Gaiman Batman grapic novel which I am obsessed with but have never read. Find it - private message me and I'll give you a dedication.

"I love you, Ivy," I gushed, hopping out of the car and hugging her tight when we got to where she was staying. She'd moved up since I'd stayed with her last, after just another time Mr. J relocated to a new hideout without informing me about it. Now she had a pretty, ivy-covered old mansion. It wasn't in the best of shape, but the of plants and flowers everywhere made it less obvious.

"Just put your stuff in any room...but I'd suggest the Lavender suite. It has a terrace, and the view is really beautiful in the morning. Plus, I know how much you love lavender...and how it 'supposedly' makes Joker's allergies act up." She said this like she knew it was a crock, but he really did have allergies, and he didn't like his home-of-the-moment smelling like old lady, he said, even though I told him how relaxing it was. He needed to relax sometimes, I thought secretly, but he always turned down my offers of massages or nice, hot showers. ( That was Ivy's and my personal method of unwinding whenver we did stints in Arkham, and it usually worked, besides that one time when I lost that plant and she almost strangled me after I was playing around and swatted her backside with a towel. Yeah, Ivy has a temper - Mr. J says it's because she's a ginger -, but she doesn't lash out at me unless I mess up. She knows I get enough from Puddin'.)

"Harley! Dinner!" she called after I'd unpacked and was staring in awe at the view outside from my balcony (having one made me feel like a princess. I was so requesting one for our next living arrangement. Mr. J could easily force someone to build me one.)

"What is it?"

"French onion soup and spinach puffs."

"...Oh...yum!" Ivy's vegetarian diet was always one of the things that I just had to suffer through when I stayed with her. I would dream and dream about a nice, rare steak and wake up drooling on my pillow some mornings, it got that bad...but at least she was making more normal food. Last time dinner had been a head of cabbage each and a glass of water with lemon.

I'd settled in, after about a week (but still really craved meat) when one day, she came to my bedroom after dinner.

I set down my Vogue.

"Get dressed in something fancy. We've got a dinner guest.'

This was surprising news - as far as I knew, I was Ivy's only friend. I didn't have anything dressy enough of my own to wear, so I borrowed something from her. We each wore Black Orchid jeans (Ivy swore by the expensive brand wore by the stars), but I wore a black, sequined scoop-neck tank top with patent leather spike heels while she chose a green velvet corset and flat leather sandals.

We clamored down the spiral staircase, giggling like schoolgirls (she started it) and I was even more curious now (had she somehow managed to get ahold of Puddin'? No - Ivy couldn't stand my relationship with the Clown Prince, and him even less).

"Hi, Pammie."

My heart stopped.

He was a stranger...and he was hot!

" I know I couldn't ever convince you to strike out on your own," Ivy admitted, "and you're the kind of girl who needs a man in her life. I'd rather it be someone I could trust than the lowlife creep you're with now."

She was insulting Puddin',but I was so starstruck, I didn't even care, or notice that she was performing an intervention.

He was just so gorgeous!

So, what's the name of Harley's possible new arranged flame? What does he look like? It's all up to you, my beloved readers.