My Boyfriend Is a Psychopathic Clown: Harley Quinn's Story

And, of Course, I Screw Up...And During Mr. J's GREATEST Plan....

It was nice to be home. I bustled around the house, singing along with the radio until Mr. J flung a hyena at me with his brand-new catapult he ordered from one of Falcone's men. They had a good black market connection, and kept the criminals of Gotham stocked in...whatever for a reduced fee.

"Ow!" I spat fur out of my mouth, but Puddin' only raised his eyebrows.

"Whatever it takes to keep you quiet short of a shot of Joker Venom - now that would sure put a smile on your face, kid."

"I'm smiling, Mister J!" I yelped frantically, pasting a grin onto my face and swiping red lipstick over my lips for good measure, and he smiled back, which felt like a match to my heart - setting it ablaze.

"Now stay quiet and out of my way - I have a splendiferous adventure for us to carry out tonight, and if it goes wrong, I'm having someone's head...let's hope it isn't yours, pet."

I bolted from the room as he cackled like his wonderfully manic self, obeying his order to stay silent and far, far away. Maybe I'd go shopping...oooh, that would be fun!

Four hours later, with new designer jeans, a soft Concord-grape purple cashmere sweater and purse (deep purple satin, beaded with black pearls) to match, I walked home, licking my vanilla fudge swirl ice cream cone with chopped peanuts and mini chocolate chips (hey, a girl has to treat herself sometime....). Puddin' was beside himself with anxiety, zipping around the house and laughing madly as he frantically checked items off his list. It made me so excited for our escapade that I decided to wear my new costume shoes tonight. They were better than my old slippers because they had a stiletto heel (which I know are bad for your leg muscles, but my stems look better in stilts, ok?) We ate pizza for dinner and went up to the roof, watching the sky...for the Bat-Signal.

OMG!!!!!

We're going after Batman!!!!!!!

Our archnemesis's signal glowed in the sky over the buildings of Gotham and Mr. J leaped off the roof in excitment, the parachute he had sewed into every suit deploying as he plummeted. In the old days, I would have taken the sane way down...but we're all mad here, and so I shrieked as the wind rushed past my ears, parachute flapping and giving me peace of mind that I wasn't going to splat like a bug when I landed.

"Bane!" Puddin' called, waving the brute amped up on Venom over, and he grunted.

"You seen the Bat, by any chance?"

Bane scratched his big head.

"Last I heard, he was taking out Killer Moth at the butterfly garden. Something about giant spiders...."

My stomach lurched. Regular spiders were bad enough...I swear, if Gotham was infested with huge arachnids, I was packing my bags and moving to Metropolis, with Puddin' or without him!

Bane leered at me.

"Your lady friend looks a little sick. Not a fan of bugs, chiquita?"

"She'll be fine," Mr. J snapped, and dragged me away, not even thanking Bane for his help.

He was so devoted to me!

"Batman? He's driving home by now - they took Killer Moth and his minion-selves to Arkham a half-hour or so ago. Want to stay for teatime, Harleen? You'd make a lovely Alice...the one I've got now is a little uncooperative." The bruises on his legs showed some feisty little blonde had done a number on his shins, trying to escape, but she was probably somewhere on his property, sleeping a sweet, drugged sleep as a result of their earlier tea party.