My Boyfriend Is a Psychopathic Clown: Harley Quinn's Story

"Off With Her Head!"

They called it an "Alice Murder." We thought it was Mad Hatter, and Mr. J was thrilled that this one semi-harmless (in his mind) member of Gotham's Rogues Gallery had finally moved on to serious crime. We went to the Iceberg Lounge to celebrate, and stumbled up on him, looking melancholy under the giant green top hat that covered his blond head and dwarfed his small frame as he sipped a cup of tea.

"Jervis Tetch!" bellowed Mr. J, slapping the man on the back and causing him to spit his current mouthful of the hot liquid all over the bar's counter.

"A drink, my good fellow? My treat. I'm pleased to see you thinking outside the box. Those mind tricks were beneath you, friend."

Ever since his 'birthday' (which people were still talking about as they ate the leftover cake), he'd been in an exceptional mood. I, for one, liked to see him being social and not just pacing around our hideout thinking up new gadgets to kill Batman with. Sure, it was a nice hobby, but sometimes I just missed going out and people.

"The Alice Murder? Oh, no, Mr. Joker - that wasn't me. I've been lying low since that incident with the mayor's foster daughter. She didn't want to come to my party....They put me in Arkham - I wasn't going to hurt her - but luckily, I had a hat to give to an orderly, and he let me out just fine."

I silently applauded Jervis, cleverly using his mind-control technology on the Arkham guards.

"But you know who it was?"

"Yes, but - just go home and watch the news report, Mr. Joker...oh, she's wonderful...." His face had an odd, dreamy look, but then his depression slid back onto his face.

So we went home, so curious we couldn't stand it, especially after the news piece said they didn't have any pictures of the suspect. However, they showed the crime scene: a pretty, blonde-haired, blue-eyed college student who looked disconcertingly like me. her body in a pool of blood leaking from the heart-shaped wound on her temple. They'd found a heart-shaped bullet lodged in her brain, and were now searching desperately for the gun. A white rabbit lay slumped over her chest (that made me cry more than anything - I'm an animal person. I asked Puddin' once if we could get more pets to keep me company while he worked on his top-secret stuff, but he said the hyenas would just eat them). We were just as clueless as the rest of the world (except Jervis), but watched as more "Alice Murders" were being committed, each one dead in the same way as the original. The only differences were that sometimes the victim was a man, and each body had a different object dropped on the chest; a flamingo, a cricket mallet, a white rose painted red, a blue catepillar.

"Jervis is involved in this somehow," Mr. J murmured furiously.

"It's him - but he's denying it, I just know."

I realized he was wrong first - actually, I discovered the culprit of the Alice Murders. We'd actually stumbled across the latest victim, the space around her body blocked off with caution tape. I bent down to peek under it, brushing away her bloody blond hair with my glove, and saw it sticking to her temple...a tiny, glittering heart, red as the fluid that coated her hair and the pavement beneath.

"Puddin', we have to go find Mad Hatter!"

It was late at night when we tiptoed to Jervis's residence. He was talking earnestly to someone.

"Just come in and have some tea, my darling," he begged desperately, "you can join our tea party. With you, the gang will be all here."

"I'm nobody's darling, Hatter - and if you've read the story, you'd know we're on different sides."

"This is no fairy tale. You're my perfect match."

"I didn't know you were interested in women . I'm a little older than you usually go for, aren't I, Jervis?"

"I never hurt them! We just drink a little tea, have a little costume party."

She snorted.

"Sure, Hatter."

I couldn't wait any longer.

"Queenie Hartz!" I announced dramatically as we burst through the door.

"I'm the Red Queen now.'

"You've put on weight," I snicked snidely as I noticed her new, much larger, size. Gone was the curvy sexpot shrink (thank goodness), and it made me look even more svelte in my red-and-blue costume I'd sewed up to go with those new boots. Of course, I would only wear it on special occasions, because my other one contained all the memories...but wasn't this a special occasion? Besides, it was so much cuter than her long red dress with a giant skirt and huge collar, two guns strapped to each hip - her knockout pistol, and the solid onyx one that contained the solid silver heart bullets they found in her corpses.

"And you've found a new partner - because you couldn't have mine."

"He isn't my partner," she glowered,  but I'd had enough, and sashayed out with Puddin's arm linked through mine.

Score!