Beautifully Insane

II. Isaiah

✴ song of chapter: Drown by bring me the horizon ✴

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Depression is like drowning, except everyone else around you is breathing. Its like a war; you either win or die trying. For as long as I can remember I've been depressed. When I was about five years old my mother died in a car accident and I guess that's when my depression started. We were very close and when she died I felt so empty inside, like something was missing. I remember always being sad and sleeping a lot.

Sleep is my escape from reality, along with cutting and smoking of course. Sleep allows you to dream and dreaming allows you to escape the hardships of life. At a young age I learned how to lucid dream, which means I can dream about whatever I want. I usually dream about the good memories with my mother. Not the times where I was crying or she was scowling me, but the times where we went on adventures together.

Some nights the bad memories take over and I can't control what I dream about. Those first nights after my mothers death I would get night terrors. I would always wake up  screaming and my dad would run in my room and try to calm me down.  I don't get them anymore but sometimes I get nightmares, nothing too serious though, just your normal ones.

Anyway, my depression defines my life. I don't remember the last time I ever felt genuinely happy. The first time I went to a psychologist I was 8 years old and they diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. They gave me anti depressants and I took them everyday. I stopped taking them when I was 13, that was the year my dad remarried. That was also the year I tried to kill myself for the first time.

I just couldn't stand the thought of him marrying another woman. I was still pretty sad about my mom dying and all the emotions were too overwhelming and I couldn't handle it. I was pissed at myself for failing that I started smoking cigarettes after a friend introduced me to them. Cigarettes make me feel like I'm on top of the world, that I could do anything. I know how bad they are for you but I can't seem to stop.

The first time my dad caught me smoking he was pissed. It was late at night and I was in my backyard and I guess he didn't see me in my room so he went to look for me. When he found me I was sitting on the ground smoking. I saw his shoes come into my vision and my eyes snapped up to his. His face read anger and he snatched the cigarette out of my hand.

  I stood up then, he stared at me with anger and disappointment not saying a word. Then he did the unthinkable; he took my arm in his hand and yelled,

"You want to feel something?! Well feel this!" He took the still burning cigarette and pressed it on my wrist. I screamed out in pain and tried to pull my arm back but he held onto it like it was the last thing on earth. That's when I started to hate my dad.

After he did that I never looked at him the same way and I still don't. I don't think my dad acknowledges the fact that I'm not happy. He pays for my therapy sessions but we never had a serious talk about it. After the first time I tried to kill myself we had a talk about why I would do it but we never had a long real talk about everything. He hides his emotions too much, just like me.

Anyway, enough about my depressing life. Tomorrow's the first day of school and its my last year too. I honestly thought I'll be dead before I got to this point in my life. I've always seen death in my future and so I never really thought about a career. I write poems and stories sometimes but that's only when I'm sad. No one has seen my writing so I don't really know if its good or not, its good to me though.

School has always been one of my strong points but that's only because my dad takes no bullshit when it comes to grades. People used to give me crap about being smart in middle school but not in highschool because they know I can beat ass. I probably have the second highest GPA out of everyone in my grade. I've gotten college letters throughout my junior year but like I said, I plan on dying not going to college.

Anyway, I look at the clock on my nightstand and its almost 4, which means I've been awake for about an hour and an half. I woke up from a lucid dream, I was dreaming about me and mom on the beach laying out in the sun. She was holding my hand and telling me to not give up on life so easily, that someone out there will change my view on things.

I wasn't really listening though, I just wanted this moment to last forever. The last thing I remember was that we were hugging and she whispered I love you in my ear, and that's when I woke up. I hate when I wake up from dreams like those, and I can't get them to come back either.

I get out of bed and grab a cigarette pack. I open and close the door slowly so no one wakes up. I walk quietly downstairs and out to the backyard. I dig out my lighter from my pocket and light the cigarette. I bring it to my lips and feel that similar pang of relief. I look up at the sky and see a lunar eclipse happening right in front of my eyes. I've never seen anything so breathtakingly beautiful in my life. I want to take a picture but my phones in my room.

I realize then that true beauty on this earth only last for a short amount of time before someone or something destroys it. Everything comes to an end eventually and so what's the point at even trying to save it. Everyone dies eventually and so what's the point at even trying to live? I look up at the blended colored sky and start to feel really relaxed. I sit down on a lawn chair and continue smoking. Just then a thought comes into my head; I turn 18 in a few months and that's my sign to finally buy a gun.

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