Beautifully Insane

XIX. Max

He tried to kiss me and I pulled away, why did I pull away? My mind wanted one thing, but my body did the opposite. It's not supposed to get this far, I can't let it happen. I don't wanna hurt him like the others. I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, that's insanity.

No matter who I date, I always end up hurting them in some way. I won't let that happen to Isaiah, we can't be more than friends. The carnival was fun though and Isaiah opened up a little. Even if we can't date each other, maybe we can help each other in some way. What am I thinking, who says he needs help, who says I need help.

I open my front door and I don't see any sign of life. I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. That intense moment with Isaiah made me sweat. I go upstairs and knock on my parents door. I open the door slightly and say, "hey, I'm back." I see my dad look from behind his book. "Did you have fun?" I had more fun than I expected actually. "Yea, it was fun, goodnight dad," I say to him. "Goodnight sweetie." I close the door behind me and then walk into my room.

I put my stuff down and start to change into my PJs. I pull out my phone to text Nicole, she's probably asleep but I text her anyway. "The date went great, we almost kissed but I pulled back." I press send and then put my phone on it's charger.

I look at my sleeping pills and contemplate whether I should take one or not. It's the weekend and I haven't gotten much sleep this week. I started getting insomnia a little after Jack died. I would be up all night thinking about him and the time we spent together. Now I have a whole list of things that keep me from sleeping. I take a pill and swallow it with water. I lay in my bed and think about everything that happened tonight. If only I could have you.

~
"Hey boys," I say in an unintentional sexy way. I am so cringe it hurts. Isaiah and his friend Shawn are standing at my door. Isaiah is looking at me with a smirk on his face. Ever since our date a few weeks ago, we've been flirting with each other. Nicole tells me I should stop playing with his feelings and just be with him, but I can't. Anyway, I let them inside and we head to the backyard. "Where's your other friend," I ask them. Isaiah and his friends have been building a deck for my dad for almost a month now.

They will be done soon and I think I will miss seeing Isaiah all sweaty and manly. "He couldn't make it today," Shawn says. I nod my head as I open the door to the yard. My dad looks over at us and gets up from where he was sitting. "Ah you guys are late," he says. I roll my eyes at him. "Sorry, I had a...thing," Isaiah says. I wonder what it was but I don't ask him. "Well anyway, if you guys need anything I'll be in the dining room doing homework," I say. Isaiah nods his head and gives me a small smile. I smile back at him.

I walk back inside and my dad comes in behind me. "I need to talk to you." I get anxious for a second but I don't show it. I don't know what he wants to talk about, but with that tone of voice, it can't be good. He sits on the couch and I sit down next to him. "First off I wanna say how proud of you I am, you've been listening to us and taking our advice," he says and I nod my head. I'm also surprised of how well I'm doing. I haven't had a manic episode in awhile and I take my pills mostly everyday.

My dad clears his voice and I know there's a 'but' coming. "But I just wanted to ask, what's your relationship with Isaiah?" My heart skips a beat and I avert my eyes from his. I wasn't expecting that question at all. My dad would not like it if he knew we went on a date and are now flirting with each other. My therapist and my parents have advised me not to date for awhile and I don't wanna disappointment them any further. I look at him and say, "we're friends I guess, I don't really talk to him much."